need coffee

once again ...

2008-03-02T03:34:00.005+01:00

a little trouble...
I've first written this thing on a beer coaster, so bear with me...
Right now I'm sitting on my friend's balcony with the (almost invisible) rest of a bottle of wine and just feel doomed (actually, I'm not really doomed, I'm more like C3po who says he's doomed and then theres still the other humans or chewies or r2d2 who will rescue him).

There's more to this, but right now I'm just too tired...
I'll update this soon.

scattered

2008-02-26T19:38:00.001+01:00

It's like every hope I ever had for any future is crumbling to pieces...

UPDATE:
Or, that's just what I thought. After completing major step #3 of the AwesomeCrazyStuffProceedure, I felt like I had totally screwed up. Fortunately, it appears I did reasonably well and there's nothing to complain about. Yay!!!
Now on to final step #4... Stay tuned for more panicy business.

new perspectives

2008-02-22T02:27:00.006+01:00

So, I kind of want to write about advising.
In general I'd say that you can give best advice on things you've experienced youself, but of course, there's more to that: more than just giving an opinion, but engaging in a matter and figuring out different solutions or at least ways of proceeding.

Today I had a 2 hour phonecall from someone who I don't really know that much. I have been told before that I give the impression to know what I'm doing and also being approachable and willing to help, but there's not too many people that would call me on this (maybe mainly because most of my surrounding tends to be male), except for some really close friends... So today I felt like an adviser of some kind.

The issue is probably some mixture of the Imposter Syndrome and having failed before which I can absolutely relate to (sadly enough). Some time ago after reading this post by sciencemama, I found some other things on the web, and decided for myself that I would stop this pathological mal-thinking. What really helped me in the end was that I discovered that I am not the only one. I still have these feelings but they're put in perspective, I finally feel like I belong - at least to my specific "scientific age group".

But back to topic - It took us quite a while to figure out what the real problem was, especially because this person mistrusts people in general and second guesses every word or action, and while discussing we figured out how that person could work on the issue in general in a hopefully less selfdestructive way.
Honestly, I never had that before concerning personal matters: The same feeling I sometimes have when discussing a scientific problem. It was not about finding a solution or 5, but more about understanding the matter itself - nail the problem.
I wouldn't go as far as one of my professors who used to say that nontriviality is always in the problem, that's a definition issue, I guess every mathematician and physicist would protest (since the most intuitive theorem often is the hardest to prove), but in PsychoCrapLand the solution is often in finding the underlying cause.

Uh, this is a really horrible post. Not very insightful - as I said before, I don't really like PsychoCrap, but whatever.

just like a little vacation!

2008-02-20T23:10:00.003+01:00

FINALLY!!!
Semester has started again, I've passed all exams, and it looks like all the courses I take have something to do with my favourite subject (MFS) which I can now finally rename: My FUTURE Subject (MFS)!!! Isn't this brilliant?
There's just one more immediate task I'll have to fulfill for AwesomeCrazyStuff next week and then I'll be a real student again with real studentlife!!! (well, till april, maybe... oh, it's almost march... oh, shit...)
Whatever.

So, I've just "moved in" to a friend's place that I'll be sitting for the next 2 weeks, and it's really a little bit like vacation... I've been here before a lot, but now it's really like ... I can just sit here, take a deep breath, and think about the last couple of months (ok, this might be due to a certain, very good bottle of wine that I've recently purchased). I'm not at the point of reflecting over the last two years yet (eventhough that would be what I expect of a REAL vacation), but at least I feel at ease, and a little confident, and just like that: happy.

stunned

2008-02-14T01:25:00.006+01:00

Wow, actually I wanted to write about something entirely different, but since I've recently decided to write less of the usual self-absorbed crap (although this is still my blog) you will now read the following:

I have always had this very naive view on academia (am I still naive if I know that I'm naive?), and this article (wonderfully criticized here and here and here and of course here and here and other places) ... speechless. It's about clothes.

Short summary in my words: Professors have to wear suits, otherwise they're not respected, blah, blah, students don't take them seriously, blah, blah...

My first thought went along Dave Bacon's post: Should I dress down now?!? (As I said, I wear skirts, heels AND mascara)

But seriously: Academia is supposed to be a place of knowledge, freedom of speech, and sans dresscode. The article in question also somehow implies that students pay for a serious lecturer seriously lecturing seriously interesting stuff. Do I need a professor to wear a tie when he explains how a cube slides down an inclined plane to believe him? And would I believe a professor with a tie telling me that it's a yellow god named Gigi that makes string theory work because he sometimes picks on them?
Of course we're taught facts mostly, but even in an undergraduate course you can easily reach the point where things aren't sorted out yet and a professor might state his personal opinion on the matter.
In less mathematical sciences this might always be the case.
So really, I thought studying means being taught the models that work, getting equipped with the tools to verify them myself and enough "knowledge" to decide in what I can believe. And if someone's really really good at all this and his peers think: Oh, that person's really smart and says mostly correct stuff, then that's how you become a professor.
I can't imagine someone saying: Uh, I love that guy's jacket, does anyone know how many papers he's published?

(yours, the nine year old idealistic me)

how could they know that ?!?

2008-02-10T19:17:00.001+01:00

Your time of day has a split personality -- sometimes it's sweat-streaked and loud, and you're on the dance floor, getting your third wind, and shouting lyrics like you'll never run out of energy. You are the time of night that carves itself into your memory forever, because you'll never forget how much you love these people and this moment and this song. It's not always about unforgettable parties, though. Sometimes your late night (err… early morning) burst of energy happens when you're home alone. Those are the times when you say, "I flat out refuse to go to sleep until I finish reading this book, or typing this page, or reorganizing my entire closet." In either case, you are the time of night when it feels sort of forbidden to be awake, but you love accomplishing something special long after everyone else went to bed.

SEEN ON Playing School

scary stuff

2008-02-09T03:51:00.001+01:00

If you're a student: read with caution.
If you're one of my special students: READ!!!

For the rest of the universe these are probably just great fun.

A Gentleman's C
Playing School, Irreverently
Learning Curves

And here comes the place professors meet to hate us:
Rate Your Students

Have fun or run,
yet another snowflake

totally overwhelmed

2008-02-09T01:41:00.001+01:00

So many decisions to be made, so much studying to do, so much sleep to catch up.
Can't someone just organize me an extra week?
At least funky music keeps me awake today/night/whatever.
Didn't I say I didn't want to complain? Yeah, I did.

Also, I'm constantly thinking about retaking this exam. I wasn't as well prepared as I wanted to be a couple of days before it, but then in the end I felt ok about the stuff. The first minutes went well until I became really nervous and couldn't answer the easiest questions (as in questions I could have answered even before taking the course). I'm still really embarrassed (even though I not "only" passed). Especially because I want to take part II. I don't really want extras like another exam, and I don't even have time for anything like that, I'm just scared that they'll start laughing when they see me again next semester. It's not that they didn't notice that I was nervous, they were even really nice about it...
Uh, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Also, one really nice professor of mine agreed to do something for me, but then apparently forgot for a couple of weeks. I was too scared to ask him again. In the end he noticed and did it, but how do I look in this? I just don't want to disturb professors more than I have to, but then they also might think I lack commitment...
And there's a couple of other things I'll have to take care of - just: everytime I stand in front of that office I turn around again and leave. And I was even asked to stop by! (right now learning a lot though nights is a good excuse, but then again: writing selfabsorbed bullshit like this isn't really productive...)

AGAIN: What the fuck is wrong with me?!?

So, I've decided to publish the following linklist. I'd put them on a blogroll, but as I said I'm scared of professors...
Still, these are some of the blogs I read. During semester when I do the lab teaching I love it, but sometimes they all give me the creeps

study habits

2008-02-06T07:57:00.001+01:00

After working through the night I'm finally drinking a glass of wine before going to bed. Sun's already up and my neighbours who are just having breakfast are watching me. Weird, one could think they'd be used to it by now.

things that matter.

2008-02-06T03:53:00.002+01:00

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"I dunno, press the button and find out."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

2008-02-06T02:17:00.001+01:00

Wow, time is supposed to "pass by at constant velocity" (I put it in "", just an analogy, please noone shoot me), but to me it seems like I last posted yesterday. Probably because nothing really happened except for studying a lot and (up to now) passing exams. Well, that's not conpletely true: I've been embarrassing myself. Twice in public and just now all by myself.

Let's not get into how, it's physics and my time-speed thingy must suffice to display how bad I am at talking physics.
What's more intriguing: Do I really value my own opinion so much that I can embarrass myself infront of myself?

UPDATE:
Well, also I've completed the major step #2 of the AwesomeCrazyStuffProcedure. But that's really all that happened.
Oh, and the Mexican requested special appearance in my blog. Here it was.

overheard

2008-01-11T17:15:00.001+01:00

I was on the run today, and when I had lunch sitting on a bench somewhere in the city, I overheard the following bits of one side of a phone call.
A girl around 20, apparently talking to a guy:
... so you saw her yesterday? How was it? ... Oh really? ... Oh, you know, I don't want to interfere, but she told us on Wednesday, that she was definitely going to break up with you. ... (I couldn't hear anything for a while since she was walking around a little) ... Oh, you know, I'm definately not her friend. I'm not on her side or anything. ... ... Let's meet for a coffee, then we can talk a little longer. ... Are you alright? ... Come on, let's meet tonight ...

Wow! Poor guy. I'm pretty sure that this is not really the greatest way to hear that someone's going to break up with him, especially hearing it from someone who his not-yet-ex seems to have trusted and who is now hitting on him.
Life's a bitch.

sitting in the lab

2008-01-08T12:45:00.002+01:00

Finally I'm back in a lab. This might be the very last time I do something like this, so I'm really trying to enjoy, but...

once again: a little story.

Yesterday I hand a coax cable to one of my peers telling him where to plug it in, when my assistant says:
How bout you do that yourself? Then you can see how it feels to plug in such a cable.
? AGAIN??? First of all I have seen and plugged in more than one of these in my life, I can even differ between different sorts of cables! Secondly I've had an electronics course, accompanied by a soldering and "plugging" lab, so I even know how different cables are supposed to work.
Last but not least, when I worked at VBA I'm pretty sure that I plugged more of those coax cables than he ever will in his sorry little life.

And by the way: just because I have boobs doesn't mean that I can't handle a scope.

no title

2008-01-06T23:47:00.001+01:00

Once again. Long night. I'm working hard here to make AwesomeCrazyStuff happen in the end but there's always new small stuff I have to take care of.
Major Step Number One has been completed last week. But I'm not satisfied at all - well, no chance to change that now anyway.
This whole procedure will consist of three more steps taking loads of time. I really hope that my studies can sustain that without too much damage. My personal life doesn't.
(note to self: don't ever complain! (I'm not))

passed

2008-01-05T23:28:00.001+01:00

- After total embarrassment over half an hour my professors let me pass and leave, I'm so relieved
- Usually a couple of days before the exam I get this feeling, everything totally makes sense and I also feel where details belong in that bigger picture. This time I only felt that the morning of the same day. Bad for sleep, and it also doesn't really help with my exam issues. So, apparantly I was not that unprepared after all, but I hope this is better next time.
- some people failed. Everytime I hear someone's failed, I get totally scared and feel like an impostor.
- I'm really exhausted, still. And I have to work on AwesomeCrazyStuff, and study for the other exams. But at least it's labweek, yay! I know this sounds weird because most people hate it, but I just can't live without some real stuff from time to time.
- Still didn't take a course on proper female behaviour, just have no time. Does anyone know any online resources?

totally useless

2008-01-03T12:48:00.001+01:00

I've just recieved the scores of the most useless test I've ever taken. The Test of English as a foreign language thingy. I absolutely understand that it's very important for an institute to know if their students will be able to communicate at all. Really. I do. But for me this was just a complete waste of time, money, and energy. I'm not criticizing institute policies here, I've just spent around 250 U.S. Dollars, around 100 hours - in tiny little bits for the sake of REALLY losing time, of course - and at least 300 neurons - due to a lot of banging-my-head-against-various-walls...

All this to get the confirmation that my English is alright.

crisis

2008-01-03T02:59:00.002+01:00

The exam is soon. I was never ever so badly prepared, well at least not since I'm out of school.
The last two weeks were horrible - spiked with nice intermezzos, but overall really not cool at all. I couldn't really study, eventough I'm very interested in the field - thought about doing that for the rest of my life a while ago - I just can't concentrate. At all. It's not that I couldn't set my priorities, there were and are just so many other things I have to take care of. And now I've run out of time. Guess this will be the first failed exam.
Ok, that sounds fucking desperate. But that's exactly what I am.

Plus the typical pre-exam clumsiness has set in. I keep on running into doorframes, spilling coffee over myself, hitting my head on whatever comes close enough, being so distracted that I forget why I call someone, walk to the bookshelf, or stand in the kitchen. Best example today: I threw away a pair of socks instead of putting them on.

For half an hour I've been sitting over this plot. There's apparently about 30 interesting things you could deduce from it, and I just can't get myself to figure out one.

I need the Tardis, or the Enterprise, or just like that: more time.

happy f***ing new year!

2008-01-01T23:40:00.001+01:00

So, NC, happy new year!! I had such a great night!! What did you do yesterday?
Hmmm. Let's see. What I'm doing (with my life)
- study
- notice that VeryImportantStuff I had sent the 21st (!!!) had still not arrived
- make phone calls
- panic
- get mail that stuff arrived
- be relieved
- study
- 0:00 drink last bit of wine left in fridge
- study
- got to bed at 9 am
- stood up 2 pm
- study
- get mails that AwesomeCrazyStuff needs some more immediate attention
- try not to panic
- get back to studying
- get mail that LittleLessImportantStuff next week is not going to work out as I thought
- be pissed off
- get back to studying
- notice that still pissed off
- panic because not able to concentrate
- study
- make tea, listen to very loud music on ipod to not wake anyone, and post

Yeah. Happy new year.

UPDATE
It's half past three and still I don't seem to be able to concentrate. I constantly have to think about the stuff I have to do after the exam, as in: learning for the other exams. And all that other crap. I need a secretary. ASAP.

hmm.

2007-12-28T21:17:00.002+01:00

Your results:
You are Supergirl

Supergirl		95%
Robin		85%
The Flash		75%
Wonder Woman		70%
Superman		70%
Spider-Man		60%
Green Lantern		60%
Iron Man		55%
Batman		45%
Catwoman		25%
Hulk		25%

Lean, muscular and feminine.
Honest and a defender of the innocent.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

NC's Christmas Tale

2007-12-25T11:44:00.002+01:00

24th - What a wonderful day.
Yeah.
The morning didn't even start that bad. I drove to my mum's office, since she had to work, we had breakfast, and then I was kept from reading ExperimentalSubject-Book by one of her coworkers who filled me in to the newest exciting stuff that's going on - it was hilarious!
Also, the coffee was really good so I drove us all the way to CrazyFamily. I like CrazyFamily, I also like the attachments to CrazyFamily - what I don't like is CrazySuburbia where they live.
CrazySuburbia has a lot of nice inhabitants but there's also the AnnoyingFamily.
One member of the AnnoyingFamily was once my flatmate when he worked in my city, and he was pretty easy going and cool, I just never saw much of him. The rest of his family has some really annoying dynamics going on, I wouldn't care too much about that if not - one sunny day - I was made the newest f***ing suburbia-crap-talk-about. So, here comes a little story:

One sunny day during exam preparation NC sits at her kitchen table when all of a sudden her phone rings. NC of course is delighted to hear from AnnoyingYoungerBrother who is just studying for his finals and figures it would be nice to know what this one professor of his would ask.
Since that professor was once here in my city, AnnoyingYoungerBrother goes: Oh, NC! You know so many people (he must have forgotten that I'm a physicist), I'm sure you could organize some protocols that were written by that professor's former students (if time allows), I need them in two weeks (latest)!
NC: -
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: You know, this is really important!
NC: I see...
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: I'm sure you'll manage. Bye!
NC: -
Phone: beeep.
Of course, NC can spend some time finding out that there's even two Student Organizations for this ReallyExtremelyFarFromMine-Field - light years further than ReallyCoolFarFromMine-Field - and NC can still see no plausible explanation for that. These two organizations don't answer NC's emails, so one rainy day NC decides to go visit them in person. Both tell NC that there's no such thing as protocols for this specific subfield of ReallyExtremelyFarFromMine-Field after searching through their folders for each at least 15 min.
Disappointed NC calls AnnoyingYoungerBrother.
NC: Hi, AnnoyingYoungerBrother, this is NC. I'm really sorry, but I have to bring bad -
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: Oh, no, you forgot? I told you this was urgent!
NC: No, no, I didn't forget, these protocols just don't exist.
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: Oh come on, I know that there's this OfficialPerson who has them. I'm just in DifferentCountry and can't get them.
NC: Oh, I'll see what I can do then.
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: Bye!
NC: B..
Phone: beeep.
The next day NC wants to know more about OfficialPerson and after some research she finds out that OfficialPerson is in no way related to NC'sUniversity, but that NC'sParlament has elected OfficialPerson to be the highest jurisdiction on recourses and such, so has all the official protocols of very final Finals. NC is smart enough to figure out all by herself that these are not thought to be a learning aid for prospective ReallyExtremelyFarFromMine-FieldProfessionals and just when she wants to call AnnoyingYoungerBrother her phone rings.
NC's mum: Uh, NC, honey! I just got a weird call from CrazyFamilyMember. OtherCrazyFamilyMember told CrazyFamilyMember that MotherOfAnnoyingYoungerBrother heard from AnnoyingYoungerBrother that you're not willing to help him with some F***StupidStuff that I didn't understand because I was distracted because she actually made someone get me out of ReallyImportantMeeting.
NC: Oh, no, mommy, I'm sorry. There's just no legal way I could help AnnoyingYoungerBrother.
NC's mum: AnnoyingFamily is really annoying.
NC: Yeah, mommy, I'm really sorry that interfered with your job. I'll handle it.
NC's mum: Ok dear. Gotta go back to work.
NC: Bye.
(I put the last two lines in to also let you read about the nice part of my tale)
NC punches phone number into phone,
Phone: Ringring
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: Hi, NC. Did you get them?
NC: Are you sure you meant OfficialPerson, because OfficialPerson does only ReallyOfficialStuff, and the two student organizations really have nothing for your subfield.
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: Oh, just go to OfficialPerson (AnnoyingYoungerBrother clearly didn't understand what NC said).
NC: But...
Phone: beeep.
So in the end NC actually calls OfficialPerson'sSecretary and is offered a major smackdown for free. Major. As in how-f***ing-stupid-are-you-?-smackdown-major and decides to leave it at that before going to jail.
NC tries to call AnnoyingYoungerBrother but he doesn't respond, so she writes an sms and never gets an answer.

End of story?

Well, not really. Today CrazyFamilyMember told me she heard from MotherOfAnnoyingYoungerBrother, that he had said that I either didn't want to help him or that I hadn't understood what he wanted because I was distracted playing on my computer. Yeah, I can remember that I wrote down that professor's name and the subfield and that I tried to google both. Really didn't know that doing REALLY-UNTHANKFUL-ANNOYING-BRAT's research is now considered computer gaming.
CrazyFamilyMembers also filled me in today that AnnoyingFamily is coming for lunch tomorrow.
Eeeek!

GoodOldFamilyFriends were here for dinner. One part of them is going to die of cancer. We had great food and great conversation and almost totally forgot about that, but now I feel totally fucked up. At least we didn't have the usual shitty family drama - but still: Christmas sucks.
It's now AnnoyingFamily'sArrival minus ten minutes.

UPDATE:
It's now Wednesday.
Yesterday I managed to bite my tongue and smalltalked with the less annoying members of AnnoyingFamily. The rest of the day I spent studying (don't pity me, that's how I evaded newest CrazySuburbia gossip).
Yesterday evening CrazyCousin's Girlfriend's Aunt collapsed. She is braindead and right now undergoing harvesting surgery.
Christmas sucks.

yucky

2007-12-21T15:16:00.001+01:00

...really!!
If I had thought last week was crazy, this one is even worse. And today (which is not even halfway over)... today:
Today's actually supposed to be last day of school, last fun before hard core studying. Last courses, last seminar, last slide, coffee, run to station to get some food, run to catch train, eat lunch on train, run to some office, get official documentation, run on bus, drive home to get other documents, get phone call from flatmate searching for keys, change from fancy skirt and pullover into good ol' baggy pants and hoodie, take ladder, go to waste container, climb in waste container to search for keys, search for keys (delta t: 30 min, Temperature: 269 K, NC: disgusted), climb out of container, panic about keys, take ladder, go back into appartment, get rid of clothes, turn on World'sBestCoffeeMashine, take coffee and laptop, and post.
Still to do:
go to postal office, send documents, go back to university, have beer with peers, and meet some other people for drinks.

Right now I can't decide if I:
- will ever stand up again
- have time to take a shower
- smell
- only feel smelly
- can ever eat mango again (you haven't seen what I've seen today)

Don't you also have this funny feeling that my real name is Guybrush Threepwood?

a post

2007-12-19T23:23:00.002+01:00

Just a little bit about me. Not a particularly good idea, considered that this can be read by everyone in the pretty-darn huge world wide web (Remind me to tell about the guy that constantly said pretty-darn and annoyed me beyond belief in only something like 5 hours. Just don't ever say pretty-darn something if you don't really absolutely mean it. Please!).
Can anyone tell me if that comma after idea is correct? That wasn't even a real sentence, oh, whatever.
So back to - me. Right now I'm sitting at the table in my living room, it's transparent because it's made of glass - which by the way is an amorph solid state of a relatively simple silicate - and we've got six chairs around it: one's blue, one's black, and the others are different shades of petrol and greyish blue. And I'm working on ACS. And I should continue.

staying awake

2007-12-18T00:40:00.001+01:00

so, after listening to alot of other stuff, I've started with Powderfinger. If anyone's interested, I'll tell you which album. Keeps me awake.
Tried to do some stuff for ACS today, took loads of time. Gotta get vacation (how bout tomorrow in five years) or at least sleep.
Saw a good old friend today. He's fine, which makes me really happy.
Life's good, just need more time...

crazy weeks

2007-12-16T00:53:00.001+01:00

Wow. Week's over. I'm still working hard to make AwesomeCrazyStuff happen, but exam days are near and I really want to start exclusively focusing on that. And I know already that some of the ACS preparation is severely going to interfere then. So, to summarize: I'm constantly drawn between doing as much as I can to speed up preparation, but more and more small but timeconsuming tasks are accumulating, and trying to keep up with my courses. I'm not doing well on that. Especially ReallyCoolFarFromMyField class has suffered alot, because, ya know, physics comes first. Problem is just, that I'll have an exam there as well, I don't even have a date for that yet, and no time to learn for it anyway.

I had actually written a post about regrets but it was so not me - I couldn't put it here. I don't regret anything yet. I'm just so scared that I might. Why can't my future self appear and tell me how it's going to work out, so I can see if all the trouble's really worth it?

Whatif, blah, blah, whatif, blah, maybe, blah, blah, some more pathetic crap, blah, blah, blah.

arrrrrgh.

Little bonus:
I was invited to a bit of wine and when I arrived someone greeted me with: what the f*** are you doing here?
In my current state the only thing I could answer was: I don't know. I have absolutely no idea.
Then I walked on.

yeah.. right

2007-12-14T17:26:00.001+01:00

?
brndd

2007-12-08T21:57:00.001+01:00

I made my mom do the spice test. She just called me and told me she was chiltepin pepper.
I'm so boring.

thoughts on driving

2007-12-08T19:15:00.001+01:00

I drive fast. Honestly, I really don't think I'm very good at anything, but I consider myself to be a good driver. So today I feel entitled to give random bad drivers the following well meant bits of advice:

- Dear 18 year old SittingInMyHomiesCar,
Do not try to back-overtake me for revenge at speeds you can't handle. Just because I'm a girl or I did not admit that you're the king of the road and noone should drive faster than you, all this shouldn't mean that you risk your sorry little life just to show me who's got more PS - and by the way: that would be me, honey!

- Dear 40 year old MidlifeCrisisSoIGotDrunk,
Even if you're driving drunk, on drugs, on the phone, or whatever, Please make sure you can still find the right lane. Especially when the whole f***ing rest of the street is empty!!!
Do not do the following: 1) stay on the fast lane. That's a no-no, my dear. 2) Stay there and drive slower on purpose when you notice that - oh, my, all of a sudden - there's 5 cars hanging at your ass. Very bad idea. 3) Honk when finally one of your ForcedToDriveLikeDucklings can't hold himself any more, and overtakes you on your right.
Do instead consider: Just drive on the f***ing right lane, dumbass!
That's a boy!

- Dear 60 year old OhMyGoodnessShouldHaveStayedHomeTillTheRainStopped,
Do not drive on the fast lane because you believe to remember that your exit should appear on the left soon - it must be here somewhere, uh, I remember this, it can't be far now... It's just another f***ing 5 kilometres!!! Do instead follow the rules of the street and stay on the right lane!!! Or just stay at home until the rain stops!

- Dear OtherUseless18YearOld,
Do pay some respect to the other people on the street, dear. Noone likes it, when it's raining like on f***ing doomsday. But also it is not appreciated when you overtake someone and go back to your right lane in two meters distance to the other car, that his about 80 years old owner couldn't even control when he was at least seeing where he was going!!! Do try and engage in a little thinking about how much water is spread on the poor guy's windshield, just because you want to show everyone that you had 19 out of 20 points in your theoretical two weeks ago, and try to keep some distance. Tnx, babe!

Yours,
Not-A-Real-Girl-But-Making-Streets-Safer-In-A-Skirt

Your Score: Saffron

2007-12-05T21:42:00.002+01:00

You scored 75% intoxication, 25% hotness, 100% complexity, and 50% craziness!

You are Saffron!

Those other spices have nothing on you! You're warm, smart, and you make people feel really good (and with no side-effects!). You can be difficult to get to know and require a lot of those who try, but you're so totally worth it. *Sigh*

go ahead, take the test yourself!

and once again...

2007-12-04T01:56:00.001+01:00

I'm in for a long night. ReallyCoolTheoryClass is really good for endless Monday nights.
I was at the opera yesterday evening. I couldn't help it and wept for at least two thirds of the entire performance. There's no explanation - I'm just touched by certain kinds of music and ambiance and this was absolutely beautiful.
Back to work

ballroom...

2007-12-01T04:19:00.002+01:00

going to a ball tomorrow. Since I'm not used to stuff not fitting me, I didn't think of trying my dress till now. It'll do, but I still had some trouble getting into it.
Wish me luck!

oh, yeah:
UPDATE
Everything worked out fine. Dress actually fit perfectly well - Guess I was just not that capable at 4am.

Friday

2007-11-30T17:54:00.001+01:00

Wow, today I gave the last labcourse. Ever. At least for now.
Great group, I couldn't help to buy them all coffee. They were awesome.
Still, I won't miss it.
gotta go to a math party.
later.

nucleation...

2007-11-29T00:45:00.001+01:00

looks funny but sucks.
and what does it have to do with vortices?
ok, that's still clearer to me than why it's got a volume energy term and why exactly this should be dependent on an external force when I can't even see what this energy is supposed to be doing...
oh, well it sounds reasonable but it's just waaaay tooooo hiiiiiiigh for me.

UPDATE
maybe it doesn't suck but I've answered most of the question and now feel braindead. I wanted to write this without consonants to emphasize, but noone could have read it. So now you'll just have to imagine that my brain's actually dead but that my fingers still know how to write. Makes sense, eh?
It's 1:40. Gotta sleep

always the same...

2007-11-28T19:33:00.001+01:00

... but different everytime.

3 days ago: some guy in a conversation with me starts playing with my wallet -
some guy: can I look what's inside
me (can't really deny and be unfriendly): umm... (pause)... sure.
some guy nestles around obviously trying to find something personal
me: you won't find anything interesting, there's just money in there.
some guy tries even harder
me: --
some guy finally gives up and says: wow, you're not a real girl, real girls carry pictures and little notes and stuff like that.
me: -- ?
some guy: honestly, you can't be a real girl.
me: well I know I'm a girl, right now I'm even wearing a skirt!
some guy looks at my front: ... yeah ok, the skirt makes you a girl.

***

yesterday: some other guy in a conversation with me starts playing with my wallet, fumbling around for half an hour not opening it but clearly curious. I can't pretend not to notice any longer
me: oh... go ahead, look inside you won't find anything interesting there's just money in there.
some other guy opens it and looks inside
me: yeah, I know, I'm not a typical girl, no pictures, no notes, but I wear a skirt, see.
some other guy: no typical person would wear a skirt with this weather!

end of story

2007-11-27T00:40:00.002+01:00

I've answered a question!!!
Must be the coffee!

thoughts on chocolate

2007-11-26T23:23:00.001+01:00

I don't like chocolate. That might not seem to be a very deep statement or a very personal thing to say, but funnily enough it will multiply your chances to know who I am by millions, though I probably won't tell people anymore for the following reason:
They tend to get offended.
Mostly I get offered chocolate by people that are eating chocolate themselves. I usually politely reject saying that I don't like chocolate too much which seems to be the worst answer of all! Not only do I refuse to help them not to consume too many calories, I also don't worship the donation of some people's favourite thing on earth so it seems.
I'm just home from a long day of fruitless attempts on RCFFMF and RCT exercises, turned on my absolutely gorgeous coffee mashine to get ready for more BeingTooDense, when my flatmate started to pity me and presented me with some chocolate. It was a really cute thing to do - which I told her - but still she seemed a little taken aback when I thankfully rejected. I do understand that people want their presents to be appreciated in every way BUT I REALLY THINK IT'S YUCKY!!! GIMME STAKE!!!

2007-11-25T01:44:00.000+01:00

wow, you have to go to the third google page to find me under my real name.

2007-11-25T01:38:00.000+01:00

I'd love to have some coffee right now, but there's just wine left...

2007-11-25T01:29:00.000+01:00

Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster,
I don't know what to do! I'm surrounded by people that don't believe in evolution. Gotta get out of here! Please help people understand that it's just your noodely extensions!

btw. I don't believe in you, but that shouldn't make any difference, right?

Your's faitfully
NC

random

2007-11-24T13:36:00.001+01:00

- I drive too fast. Seriously.
- ReallyCoolFarFromMyField class turns out to be more work than I thought
- Friday I missed the one seminar talk I was most interested in,
- had a student in the lab who didn't know how to turn on a computer (push the big round and LABELED button in the front),
- had great breakfast and conversation at CoolParticleTheoryGirl's place, because
- we had a party on Thursday night, where I
- put too much gin in one of my professors' drink, but at least I
- didn't totally ruin everything with the other professor
- and met really great people!!!
- Right now I'm in a DifferentCountry at MyMum'sBestFriend's place and should do some work. There's a great coffee machine here and the sun is shining and I'm really tempted to just sit outside and do nothing for a while instead of NotWorkingButBlogging inside.

being... me

2007-11-20T21:21:00.001+01:00

The longer I do physics, the more I recognize myself in stupid clichés. At least I try to dress nicely, I wear skirts and heels and mascara, I shower everyday, and I try not to be too buddylike to guys that are not my peers. I've always liked science fiction, though, and I have to admit that I still play d&d twice a year when I meet my old friends, I love techy gadgets and I still read comics - I just don't buy them anymore.
I guess I have been geekier when I was younger but there's new symtoms: confusion, paranoia and neuroses.
I thought my mum's birthday was tomorrow but then I realized yesterday that Wednesday was not the 24th. When people look at me I usually think I either bleed somewhere in my face, or I have some kind of stains on my clothes, or that I have birdshit on my hair. I need to know that my kitchen is absolutely clean to sleep.

Pathetic little me.

a story

2007-11-18T00:46:00.001+01:00

I'm trying to follow a derviation of some equation while drinking some wine (not coffee) and the following comes to my mind:
When I was working at the VBA some weeks ago I lived in a really nice hotel with conference rooms and such in the middle of nowhere. Since all the people from my university were there - at the university - or at some meeting or buisy otherwise and I didn't go by car, I went to the Hotel around 9 pm and had dinner there alone almost every night. How awfully pathetic.
One night I was chatted up by two guys. A doctor (MD) and a pilot. It was really nice not to be alone - after being practically alone in the office the whole day - and they talked alot about themselves until they asked me what I was doing. I told them I studied physics and was there to work at the VBA - the first one left to get another drink and chat to some other person at the bar. The one that was left asked me what exactly I was doing there and I answered with one sentence, trying not to be too geeky - he left with a lame excuse.
end of story

oh, well...

2007-11-17T18:47:00.001+01:00

The week is over.
I've talked to the labsupervisor about the monday issue (I didn't mention the PDA though), he laughed and was really friendly asking about my future plans. And I had two more labs with really great students! I loved it although this week it took up alot of my time - it's going to be better the rest of semester.
It was really good talking to a senior person about my plans - it was more like chatting - and I'd like to know his opinion on all this and talk to him some more. Just have to find the right moment. I'm don't really want to make a formal appointment, the institute is very familiar so we're more used to walking in somewhere and say hi, but I think he's very buisy and to be honest I'm sometimes scared that I desperately want some kind of advisor or mentor because my dad's being such a jerk, and I always think I should be old enough to handle stuff alone. My mom is really awesome, but she's a professional in every sense, she's not in academia, and when she was a student I'm pretty sure she always knew what she was doing. A lot of people around me think I'm a tough girl or something but as soon as they talk to me my insecurities become pretty obvious.
I've read alot in the Female Science Professor's blog recently. I'm so glad I found it! She writes about many things I think not only female scientists should be interested in. Not only that I feel less alone in these genderissues, it also helps selfreflecting. Usually I react to sexist comments with laughing or making even worse jokes like - yeah, actually I'm really just here to find myself a husband! That doesn't help, I guess. One of my peers sometimes joked about what I wear and that I had much more opportunities than him to meet potential partners until one day I got really upset about it - he apologized and never did it again, but I have this nagging feeling sometimes that this was not just fun and that at least he said what he tought while others might not do so.
Still the comment that hurt me most in all my life was that I had only passed electrodynamics because I wore a skirt. I shouldn't have to defend myself on this but here comes: It was a very hot day in summer, the skirt went over my knees, I didn't wear heels and no low neckline. I became very nervous after the professor said something like I should stop explaining stuff because that's what formulas were for and it went really badly. I couln't say a word after that and wrote total bullshit on this dammed blackboard. His office was small so I was stuck between his desk and the wall and I remember thinking he might stab me in the back or break my neck from behind. I've had these exam issues for ever and it gets better but this was one of the worst days I've ever had and mentioned comment...
I'm insecure enough without stuff like that. I just want to do physics until someone figures out how incapable I really am and kicks me out. I even tell people in the face! I know I shouldn't mix up my own insecurity with sexist comments from absolute jerks but they sort of kling together.

special treatment? after all your PDA???

2007-11-12T14:50:00.002+01:00

AARRRRRRRRR! I'm just too nice. Just hope that this is not getting me into too much trouble.

UPDATE
It's about 12 hours later. I had no normal sleeping intervals since 1.5 weeks.
This couple in my labcourse today - honestly, it left me kind of speechless.
In the end I made the biggest mistake. I gave in. I've reorganized their schedule without having the authority to do so just to get rid of them. Seriously: This cannot happen again!

2007-11-11T17:17:00.003+01:00

You Are a Double Espresso

Hey Energizer Bunny Girl! Do you ever slow down?

You're a mix of high energy and ambition, perfectly matched with strong espresso

When you want something you get it - by any means possible

You're driven, determined, and no nonsense. Which is just how you like your java.

What Kind of Coffee Girl Are You?

good to know!

2007-11-11T15:14:00.001+01:00

uh... I have these really weird friday-flashbacks where I start to shudder and feel back there again. I've always had that after exams or when I used to paraglide after flights with awkward situations. But when I fly or during exams that go well, time just flys by eventhough I'm nervous. Now I have the feeling that things start going wrong when I suddenly realize where I am and what I'm doing. I had this moment of consciousness during my talk - it was not in an insecure moment or anything, all of a sudden in midsentence I was looking at my slide's projection on the wall and thought a mixture of the following:
- oh my, what the hell am I doing here
- this is actually really cute physics
- there's an awful lot of people sitting here (there were actually just 30 or so)
- when I've finished this thought will I be nervous and screw up?
- ...
- what was I going to say???
Immediately after this I was nervous and screwed up. Well, not totally - but this must have been the moment my professor talked about, because afterwards I got myself together again and the rest went ok.
So, the next time I'm still capable of making the decision I'll cut off those weird thoughts and just go ahead. I feel that I had thought about this before, maybe that's exactly the thing that ruins about half of my exams - sometimes I think I just get myself out of it somehow or this stuff doesn't even start because I'm in the flow from the beginning on.
Friday didn't go really bad or anything, only when I made the most important (to me) point I probably didn't look too confident.
hmmm. Can someone please come and fish the whatifs out of my head???

me up and running again.

2007-11-10T17:27:00.002+01:00

I've slept for almost 12 hours, already went grocery shopping, bought funny woolen gloves without fingers but a cap you can pull over them, then I went for lunch with FunnyMicrobiologist (at 3 pm), and just come home. FunnyMicrobiologist is awesome and really smart. She's just started in this lab where they do these really groundbreaking things and they don't even have time to follow up all the interesting stuff they trip over. I don't know if that's normal in her field or not, but it sounds absolutely exciting.
It started snowing tonight, nothing's white yet, but it's getting cooler everyday. And it's dark early. It's pitch black outside! I really appreciate that we're trying to keep the light pollution down and I've got pretty good night vision, but if I can't do my 5min way home in less than 20 minutes while my tears freeze on my face because I can't see my feet or the ground (my cell's battery was down), that's just too much. I protest! If there was snow we could at least see a little.

My presentation was ok, but I was asked a question I couldn't answer. That itself is not my problem, and I don't think it affected my inexistent credibility too much, only - it was exactly the kind of question I would ask myself first. I'm still pretty upset about that... I'm not too happy with what one of my professors said, though. I hate to think that I can't take criticism. I just have totally different things I didn't like. One thing he said was that I should have had more slides for some of the concepts - well: I had 60 slides when I started. Since the professors that hold the seminar told us to not have more than 15 slides I reduced mine to 21 with 6 of those being the fast intro and goodbye slides. And I had a really hard time doing that. Next time I'll just do what I think is best - wow, would have thought that I was old enough to know that by now...
And then he said I was too nervous (ok, you really can't hear HOW he said it). I really don't know how to react to that, so here come a few options:
Sarcastic: oh really? I didn't notice. But thank you for pointing it out in such a nice way.
Realistic: I didn't know that my evaluation is based on my hormonal state.
Me: How the **** can I not be nervous with 10 professors sitting in front of me when I'm not even able to keep it together when I'm only talking to only one?

I know this sounds like I was another precious little snowflake but I actually wanted comments on my physics and not on the infrared spectrum emitted by my face, thanks.
Again, I hate to think that I can't take criticism, and I'm being childish and a snowflake - I'm just a little frustrated.
gotta grow up, right?

2007-11-09T12:26:00.001+01:00

over. done. sleep

2007-11-09T08:54:00.002+01:00

t - a bit. i don't really feel good about this.

2007-11-09T00:07:00.001+01:00

t -10.
need to sleep.

2007-11-08T17:06:00.001+01:00

t -17 hours: this sucks!

2007-11-08T15:31:00.001+01:00

t -19 hours: still the same. had some coffee, though.
i'm slightly scared, tired, exhausted and waiting for the next batch of adrenaline and endorphines to kick in - i'm sitting at some meeting and desperately want to leave and finish my presentation.
please, let me leave!!!

2007-11-08T13:38:00.001+01:00

relieved. enough coffee, only 4 slides to finish.
it's t -21 hours

2007-11-08T11:18:00.002+01:00

t -23 hours. one coffee one new slide

2007-11-08T09:36:00.002+01:00

university.
it's t -25 hours.

2007-11-08T05:27:00.001+01:00

coffee is truly important to outcome of presentation.
right now i'm seriously considering to insert a selfmade crayon drawing.
it's t - 29 hours.

2007-11-07T01:33:00.001+01:00

wow, i've just made a 3-paper sheets long diagram. how am i ever going to fit this on one slide???

2007-11-06T14:26:00.001+01:00

much ado about nothing!
things don't look too bad after all. so all this bad mood, disappointment and not concentrating on my presentation: all for nothing!!
i'd really love to bang my head against the wall right now. just too many people watching.
i feel stupid and friday is giving me the creeps.
later.

2007-11-05T18:45:00.001+01:00

so, while in bad mood already, why not make some ridiculous confessions.
some time ago i met this guy and it turned out i really liked him. too bad that i was in this weird emotionless state - when a lot of stuff happens i just run on some kind of default - not getting too attached to things... well, not that he was much better, but that's the guys vs. girls thing right? one day i'll take a course on proper female behaviour, promise to self.
So WHY the **** can't I just be my usual self and get over it? it's months later and all of a sudden i've become all mushy.
see, HOW PATHETIC AM I??
ok, now i feel totally stupid, this should really help getting me normal again.
back to work.

2007-11-05T16:53:00.001+01:00

news: awesome crazy stuff is not going to happen. exactly what i feared most happened. well maybe i'm still gonna do it it's just going to take a little longer. well. first have to get through the disappointment. and finish my presentation.
damn

2007-11-05T04:58:00.001+01:00

hmmmm. more coffee or more tea?

2007-11-05T02:26:00.000+01:00

mmmm. coffee with crema!
just came to my mind: i got so scared after reading the angry professor's blog and RateYourStudents, but actually i've done my own rambling here as well. hope i didn't scare anyone... but see, i had another of these LikeTheRedHairedGuyInER. I might translate and repost that - for the sake of procrastination :)

2007-11-05T00:25:00.001+01:00

... trying to finish a presentation but it feels like i've only just begun. too much other stuff I'd like and have to concentrate on right now. doesn't really help.
at least i've got a yankee candle here, good music and great coffee! i so love my new coffee mashine! i feel she deserves a name. something like a B&B landlady's name. any ideas?

at least i've stopped obsessing about the stuff i read in other blogs. i'm still freaked when talking to professors but things here just work differently. i knew that before but well - i tend to overreact.

the typical semester feeling is back. the ohoh-i-don't-understand-a-thing-no-time-to-keep-up feeling that only goes away a day before exams - or maybe a couple of days - when you finally get a grip on things. then semester starts again and it's the same thing all over. we talk about not letting it get to us anymore but it's hard everytime, eventhough i feel i'm used to it now in some weird way - never enough time. presentation due friday, homework for ReallyCoolFarFromMyField class due tuesday, prepare tutoring due tomorrow, finish preparing medstudents labcourses due also friday, finish homework for ReallyCoolTheory class due tuesday, do homework for LittleLessCoolTheory class - although I like the assignments - due thursday, do homework for Experimental class due -can you guess?- friday. cut the presentation and you get my usual week's schedule. and also the AwesomeCrazyStuff that happened - that has taken up a lot more time that thought and it'll need even more... i can't really talk about it yet - well i did but the amount of people knowing about it was not intended. i'm just so scared about it not working out and then being disappointed...

i love my life. i'd love it slightly more if days had 48 hours.

2007-10-16T01:21:00.001+02:00

Wow!
The last couple of weeks life sort of just happened to me. Awesome crazy stuff is going on. Need sleep or coffee :)

2007-10-14T12:19:00.001+02:00

uh, trying to solve quantummechanics exercises with hangover is proving harder than I thought. Looks like I really deserve to feel like this, for lack of better judgement.

2007-10-12T00:30:00.000+02:00

life looks way better today. I didn't really want to admit it: I'm ALWAYS happy but I was in my first really bad mood for ages due to multiple reasons. And now things look less worth being grumpy about. I really wanted to tell more about the last couple of weeks but I absolutely need to sleep, so
good night.

2007-10-10T02:35:00.001+02:00

I have been reading through the Angry Professor's Blog the last couple of days and right now I'm really scared. I try to behave just normal (doesn't work too well) around professors and if I don't manage I just avoid them or I drink which helps alot until I'm sober again. After reading the other blog ... There's no way I can do this or anything else right. I still have this one (MyFavouriteSubject) professor's book at home (it seems to keep getting longer), I just told him that I think he was intimidating (it was a very funny evening) and now I can't give back his book because I never want to disturb any professor anymore forever (hope there was enough bad grammar and adverbs to emphasize).....

Wow, reading that professors do know when people are not attending class - maybe I should have told everyone about the workshop and VeryBigAccelerator. Really, I always thought noone cared. But then again I would have bothered everyone saying that, and I myself would feel weird going around telling...
How can anyone work out how to do that kind of stuff. I'm a physicist. I hate psycho crap!

back again.

2007-10-09T23:30:00.001+02:00

Wow, trying to figure out where to start...
Finished classes, had exams (passed), went hiking with friends, went to one or two summerschools, came back home, went to workshop, went to very big accelerator (VBA), started school two weeks late, and that was last week, had the party, went to phd defenses and more party, went to Greatest Mountain Girl's birthday party, came back Sunday night, watched Pride and Prejudice did homework for Really Cool Far From My Field (RCFFMF) class until 3am (needed coffee), was bug-bitten on the eyelid while sleeping, missed the train on Monday morning (I still touched it!), had better eyelid at lunchtime, learned in students room, went to the movies with people from My Favourite Subject (MFS), went to a cafe this morning (sat next to two really mean women), went to university, tried homework from 9am to 3pm but had to answer 32 phone calls (not joking), went to RCFFMF class (awesome: I understand all the physics!!), went home, tried homework again but had to answer 4 phone calls, talked to my flatmate after she gave me wine, finished talking, wrote blog entry.

2007-03-27T01:12:00.000+02:00

so. that was it. definetely.
i used to write this blog in german, i know, but now, this fits right now, the english thingy, not that my english was better than my german, it's just less personal.
back to topic. this was it. 26th was my 23rd birthday. not that i hated it, i just didn't spend as much time with my mummy as i had intended, nor did i spend it with friends but with colleagues, which was real fun but just not the way i wanted it to be..., well actually i totally forgot about my birthday until saturday, when my mum reminded me. but, anyway

i know, i didn't write alot the past few months, i don't feel sorry since there's noone reading this anyways and i had exams, i know thats the case like all the time, modern physics and theroetical mechanics and i was in the mood to write more than once, just didn't want to have an excuse not to learn and also writing in german is far more personal than writing in english. modern physics went quite well, although i made a total fool of myself as usual. my mistakes during exams always become famous in the whole physics institute... after this i started to learn for theoretical mechanics and everything went ok (i like theoretical subjects) until i learned that my daddy was hospitalized because he'd had a double bypass and noone told me. since neither nurses nor doctors wanted to tell me how he was doing i had to leave for germany to see them personally. i might have to say that i haven't talked to him for more than two years except once...

so i went on a 4 hour train trip to the middle of nowhere to get to know what was going on... of course he was fine, didn't even think about telling me before all of this even if he had a surgery where they stopped his heart beat and all that stuff like on telly.
in the end i lost 3 days of learning mechanics (still passed) for nothing since i thought we had made a deal to stay in touch but he didn't even write an sms for my birthday...

someday i'm gonna be better, right?
aloha

motivation and such...

2007-01-18T23:54:00.000+01:00

today I had mechanics class. sad but true: I had almost no idea what he was talking about, I mean rigid bodies, moment of inertia, euler, ok but the Feynman story? I really have to go through that again, got totally confused. And everyone's freaked because of the modern physics exam...
Anyway. TheOnlyOtherGirl, we take modern physics together, was at my place to study. I really tried but got nowhere. This constant feeling-stupid is giving me a hard time.
So in the end we decided to go out and drink to our silliness - not open the depressing bottle of wine and hang at my kitchentable that is stuffed with books and papers. Wow! I remembered why I'm doing all this. The 3-Body-Genesis-Thingy came to my mind - she hadn't heard about it yet - and while telling her the story I had these awesome shudders! Mechanics can really be totally sexy! All the frustration is just gone, and when I came home I finished another part of my modern physics assignment - not all of it, but still - just not let any demotivation come up again.

Also, monday I had the best, fastest, nicest and most interested medstudents lab group ever! During my days off I really didn't look forward to embarrassing myself in front of the meds again, but the last 2 groups were really great!!

Isn't life great? At least for tonight frustration is gone and I'm just happy!
physics is great! aloha

mädelsabend...

2007-01-10T00:14:00.000+01:00

heute war das praktikum ja mal echt gut!!!
kann gut sein, dass das an mir liegt, bin vielleicht einfach ein bisschen ruhiger geworden, aber alle haben wirklich mitgemacht, keiner hat rumgenervt, keiner irgendwelche leute angeödet, also einfach so richtig angnehm! tinafreu!
hab angefangen, zu überlegen, was für zusatzpunkte ich haben will, und irgendwie siehts danach aus, dass mich momentan astrophysik und maschienenbau-aviatik-zeugs interessieren... hätte ich echt nicht gedacht, aber ich wills scheinbar machen. das war vielleicht ein komma zuviel?!?, naja egal, jedenfalls tu ichs vielleicht wirklich, letztes jahr hab ich irgendwie an noch mehr mathevorlesungen gedacht, da hab ich bloss mit der ganzen mmp keine lust mehr drauf, höchstens vielleicht algebra, naja...
gehts anderen leuten auch so? komisches in der luft hängen, alles gleichzeitig machen wollen, aber sich für nix entscheiden können aus zeit- und selbstvertrauensmangel...
auf jeden fall war der mädelsabend heute superlustig und ich muss jetzt ins bett, weil morgen besagte 3 stunden mmp
uiui, der titel hat ja wahnsinnig viel relevanz...
egal, gute nacht!

fast vergessen...

2007-01-08T22:03:00.000+01:00

ach ja, roman lässt mitteilen:" äh.. ja..hmmm."
hat irgendwer das mal gelesen, was ich da grad geschrieben hab?!? ich benutze wörter wie klasse und genial, hab neulich gehört, dass das altmodisch wär - vielleicht hab ich ja schrödingers geehirn!!!

weihnachten und neujahr und so...

2007-01-08T20:58:00.000+01:00

war dieses jahr doch alles mal so richtig gut, exzessiv weihnachten, exzessiv feiern, exzessiv faulenzen. vielleicht zu exzessiv gefaulenzt-hatte keine ahnung, dass man soviel zeit mit wintersport im fernsehen verbringen kann- *piepsige stimme*: ich hatte ja keine ahnung,hihi ... tja, das reicht jetzt wieder fürn paar jahre...
war alles aber superlustig, haben den letzten tag uni mit kampfwichteln, glühwein, pizza und meiner neuen lieblingssportart tischfussball ausklingen lassen, war wahnsinn, ich hab die besten kommilitonen auf der ganzen welt!!! kann aber trotzdem noch nicht fassen, dass heute alles schon wieder angefangen hat, schlimmer als sonst, bin in mechanik fast gar nicht mehr mitgekommen und dann mmpübung versucht und fast gar nichts gekonnt, also jedenfalls nichts, was man abgeben könnte, grausam, absolut unmenschlich... bin zwar motiviert aber einfach grad vielzublöd. vielleicht hab ich das denken verlernt, hab ja sowieso nen guten vorsatz: sobald ich kohle hab, lass ich mir ein echtes, funktionstüchtiges gehirn mit allen extras transplantieren, so mit rechtschreibhilfe, logikdingsbums und terminplanermodul.
vielleicht das richtige stichwort für nen AUFRUF, auf den sich wie immer dann doch keiner meldet, schon ok. also: welche gehirne kämen denn so für mich in frage???
ich hätte ja am liebsten schödingers gehirn, McJolies aussehen, das boot aus the island, nen teilchenbeschleuniger im garten und n spaceshuttle auch.
das beste daran wäre wahrscheinlich schrödingers gehirn, das ist bloss leider schon zu staub verfallen, ausserdem will ich vielleicht gar nicht wissen, was männer den ganzen tag so denken, obwohl man darüber vermutlich hinwegsehen könnte. und der rest - naja, wofür hat man träume...
geb morgen praktikum, hoff, das wird lustig, wollte ja eigetlich nen neuen artikel über frauenfeindliche chauvis verfassen, bin aber grad nicht so richtig in stimmung, aber wenn ichs hier rein schreib, kann ichs sicher nicht vergessen.
hab mir grad n bier geholt und werd jetzt nochmal mmp versuchen,
hoffe, alle hatten son genialen start ins neue jahr
aloha

genau...

2006-12-16T00:27:00.000+01:00

blubb.
jaja, wiedermal vielzuviel aufgeregt.... kann nur froh sein, dass mir letzte woche der kopf gewaschen worden ist, hier ein riesendanke an stefan. tia, selbsterkenntnis... bla...
(das war an dem tag, als ich soviel gegessen hab, dass ich echt stundenlang und am nächsten tag noch bauchweh hatte... :) )
jedenfalls hätte ich aber auf das halsverrenken vorher verzichten können, musste nämlich ins krankenhaus wegen zu schneller kopfbewegung. bin dann dahin, irgendwann so mascara-verlauf-verheult vom stuhl gekippt, alles ziemlich peinlich, also einfach typisch tina.
war auch sonst ganz schön was los, haben ein superlustiges physikerspaghettiessen organisiert, nur leider ist meine sauce ne spur zu scharf geworden, aber man konnte sie ja mit tomatensauce vermischen. und dann hatten wir am montag mechanik midterm exam, und dann musste ju ins krankenhaus und dann war ich zwei tage da, aber ihr gehts jetzt gut, und hab auch auf die physikzwischenprüfung heute gelernt...
aber mechanik lief erstaunlicherweise ziemlich gut, deswegen bin ich auch noch einigermassen guter hoffnung was das heute morgen angeht, und weil ich ja dank stefan wieder voll positiver energien und elan bin, hab ich eben, als ich nach hause gekommen bin, noch das wlan repariert!!!
war nämlich gerade noch mit micha und ihrem neuen typ und noch wem weg und wir habens geschafft innerhalb von 10 minuten 2 gläser unzuschmeissen und eines dabei zu zertrümmern und - jetzt kommt das allererstaunlichste heute (mehr als mein mech-ergebnis):
ich war nicht schuld!!!
hab langsam die vermutung, dass meine berüchtigte, nie erreichte tollpatschigkeit auf meine armen, wirklich bemitleidenswerten mitmenschen abfärbt, obwohl meine polandung auf eis heute morgen doch eindeutig dagegen sprechen könnte. naja, ich hoff jetzt einfach mal auf das allerbeste für euch alle, und sonst: tut mir wirklich leid, ich wusste nicht, dass das ansteckend ist!!!
abgesehen von den ersten 4 stunden war heute also auch ein wirklich lustiger tag, und sogar produktiv, nich nur von wegen wlan: hab beim mittagessen ne umfrage gestartet, bei wem der weihnachtsmann kommt und bei wem das christkind (recherche für mechanikübung :) ), also hier wiedermal ein AUFRUF, den eh wieder keiner beantwortet: christkind oder weihnachtsmann?? bitte, mach doch einmal einer mit!! bittebitte.
nach dem essen haben fabian und ich in der datenanalyse (bitte nich mich verurteilen, hab auch ein superschlechtes gewissen) zuerst hängmän und dann gräbmän und dann undertäkermän gespielt (hab wirklich ein schlechtes gewissen, aber wir hatten heute ja auch ne prüfung und noch andere schlechte entschuldigungen... *treu-und-niedlich-guck*) und einmal hab ich sogar gewonnen und zwar mit: blubb. hihi.

2006-11-15T20:58:00.000+01:00

blubb.

bin wieder da...

2006-11-15T14:12:00.000+01:00

so. irgendwie ist das mit dem anonym bloggen vorbei, also nix mehr mit abmotzen :)
naaaaja.
jedenfalls ist total viel los, keine zeit mehr für gar nix, in nem schweren anfall geistiger umnachtung hab ich mich gemeldet, physikpraktikum für medizinanfänger zu geben. ich weiss wirklich nicht welcher teufel mich da geritten hat, jedenfalls hab ich das erstmal -wiedermal typisch- viel zu ernst genommen, mich krass vorbereitet und dannauch noch theorie an die tafel geschrieben, ums den lieben einfacher zu machen... theorie besprechen ist aber im zeitplan einfach nicht vorgesehen, ist auch nicht meine aufgabe,
ich weiss ja, dass die meisten leute was gegen physik haben, geschweige denn irgendwas mit elektrizität zu tun haben wollen, das geht mich ja auch nichts an. es gibt aber nun mal einfach definitionen, die man so akzeptieren muss, wie sie sind, und wenn man sich damit auseinandersetzt und das ganze anwendet, dann erkennt man schon, dass das seine berechtigung hat und nennt es modell.
ich glaub echt, dass ich von mir behaupten kann, lieb und umgänglich zu sein, deswegen hab ich auch versucht, so viel wie möglich zu erklären, aber bei gewissen sachen muss man halt selbst n bisschen brainforce investieren und das ganze dann etwas sacken lassen...
jedenfalls meine erste gruppe war supergut, viele mädels und alle das total souverän gemacht, wäre mega zufrieden und superglücklich, wenn nicht...

... der rothaarige typ bei emergency room

es gibt ja tatsächlich immernoch leute, die denken, die welt dreht sich nur um sie - nicht, dass ich mich da total ausschliessen würde, aber sowas hab ich mir glaub echt noch nie angemasst.

der typ mensch, von dem ich rede, ist immer gut vorbereitet, eager alles schneller als die anderen zu machen und sich damit zu profilieren. mir ist absolut klar, dass das noch auf andere kategorien zutrifft und auch sollte und auch eine der anforderungen an mediziner ist. aber bei dieser speziellen unterkategorie kommt noch ein tiefsitzende egozentrische grundhaltung dazu, also nicht die typisch menschliche, sondern: ich-verlange-von-anderen-respekt-hilfe-und-unterstützung-weil-ich soviel-arbeite-und-die-nicht.
schön wärs!!! mir ist absolut klar, dass das medizinstudium und das spätere medizinerdasein viel von einem abverlangen, und ich möchte auf gar keinen fall die leistung von irgendwem schmälern,
aber verdammt noch mal: andere haben auch viel zu tun!!!
zuruck zum praktikum: ich total vorbereitet, extra nochmal am wochenende hingefahren, um zu schauen, ob auch wirklich alles funktioniert, dann montag meine super gruppe mit dem typ halt.
ich finde auch absolut, dass man die sachen etwas verstehen sollte, aber für theorie sind echt die vorlesung und die übung und die ganzen bücher mit den lustigen bildchen da. ich bin nur eine ergänzung. will ja nicht sagen, dass der nicht vorbereitet war, aber er hat mich die ganze zeit über mit fragen gelöchert, dass ich am schluss um zeit zu sparen einfach nicht mehr auf drei aber-warums sondern nur noch auf zwei zum gleichen thema eingegangen bin.
jetzt kommts:
nach der stunde kommt der typ zu mir, sagt, der anfang wär ja ok gewesen, aber am schluss hätte er keine ahnung gehabt, ich zu wenig erklärt, und deswegen hätte ich ihn aufgeregt. dann hat er mir erklärt, dass er bald eine total schwierige prüfung über den stoff hat.

ist das zu fassen???? klar, ich kann das ja leider nicht nachvollziehen bei meinem beschränkten horizont. ich mach das sowieso nur aus langeweile, die drei tage, die ich dieses jahr ferien hatte, waren sowieso vielzuviel, und ich hab ja auch keine prüfungen in meinen fächern und theoretische mechanik und qm ist ja sowieso was für babies.

ich fass es immernoch nicht.

neu!!!

2006-11-10T18:16:00.000+01:00

thinki ist da!! wahnsinn, in ner halben stunde alles fertig aufgesetzt wlan funzt auch, einer langen freundschaft oder auch innigen beziehung zu thinki steht nichts mehr im weg. lilly fehlt mir nur noch son bisschen aus sentimentalen gründen, aber jetzt ist tatsächlich eine neue ära angebrochen...
bin superglücklich!
und gleich kommt micha, dann gibts spaghetti und wein und mädelsgelaber und irgendwie wird alles gut.
aloha

kaputt...

2006-10-25T09:20:00.000+02:00

ok, war das letzte mal wohl etwas zu euphorisch... lilly ist kaputt, also wirklich total kaputt. hab sie eingeschickt, die haben mir ne neue festplatte eingesetzt, weil vorher lueftung kaputt und somit festplatte auch.
dann bekomm ich sie wieder, setze alles neu auf, drei stunden spaeter funktioniert das touchpad nich mehr, einen tag spaeter bricht mein netzteilstecker was raus und lilly kann nicht mal mehr mit strom versorgt werden.
hab dann kurzerhand nen nachfolger fuer lilly bestellt, der kommt spaetestens in 20 tagen und ich bin dann hoffentlich endlich wieder lebensfaehig, war naemlich echt schrecklich so ohne computer zuhause, totales von der nicht uni aussenwelt abgeschnitten sein, weil sonst eh nur am lernen... wenigstens hats sich so einigermassen gelohnt, ich hab alles bestanden, kann immernoch sprechen, laufen und tippen also ist noch nicht alles verloren :)
bin irgendwie richtig froh, dass das neue semester angefangen hat, vielleicht reduziert sich ja auch mein kaffeeverbrauch ein bisschen..
so jetzt wirds hier zu voll, muss eh in die vorlesung
bis in 20 tagen

...dramaqueen

2006-08-09T20:32:00.000+02:00

es gibt ja echt frauen, die sind nur dann zufrieden mit ihrem leben, wenn sie's eben nicht sind. paradox, aber ich kann jetzt schon fast ein buch schreiben: "Wie backe ich mir ein Problem?- von 'mein fernseher geht nicht, weil ich's immernoch nicht geschafft hab, eine batterie für die fernbedienung zu kaufen' bis zur ausgewachsenen selbstgemachten beziehungskrise, die über jahre hält - und auch: was opfer dagegen tun können"
eine der besten methoden, um seinen freundinnen beim kaffeetrinken wochenlang etwas vorheulen zu können: das es-einfach-nicht-machen, oder auch sehr beliebt an-unfähige-delegieren.
sicher motzt jeder mal darüber, dass noch die steuererklärung zu machen ist, redet man aber über wochen von nichts anderem, sollte man sich nicht wundern, wenn irgendwann die beste freundin mit dem taschenrechner vor der türe steht (sonst wäre sie ja nicht die beste freundin) und das problem behebt, worauf gleich das nächste anklopft: wo finde ich ein neues problem? gute methode, gegen diese armut anzukämpfen: warten sie bis ihr geliebter gerade mit seinen fünf kumpels zum online-gamen verabredet ist und konzentriert auf den bildschirm glotzt. stellen sie sich dann bitte leise in den türrahmen (unauffällig angezogen, versteht sich) und flüstern sie, wenn er gerade den sound lauter stellt, möglichst unverständlich: "schatzi, wärst du bitte so lieb und bringst den müll raus?", wenn sie's gescheit genug angestellt haben, können sie nachher tagelang drüber jammern! genial, oder? noch besser wirds, wenn sie's nur den freundinnen erzählen, die ihn sowieso schon immer behämmert fanden, die motzen dann gleich mit und kämen auch nie im leben auf die idee, ihm einen guten rat zu geben. einzige lösung fur den armen kerl: nicht erst soweit kommen lassen, sondern immer den müll rausbringen auch wenn er sich eigentlich gerade auf geschäftsreise befindet.
für die beziehungskrise, von der er noch nichts weiss, lässt sich der ansatz auch sehr gut verwenden. einfach "schatzi, könntest du mir vielleicht den rücken massieren" flüstern - dabei müssen sie natürlich sehr leise und unverständlich sein - und schon haben sie ein er-will-mich-einfach-nicht-mehr-anfassen-er-findet-mich-total-unattraktiv-problem. das funktioniert garantiert auch bei anfängern und dauert mit vorbereitung gerade mal dreissig sekunden.

brauchen sie gerade ganz dringend ein problem oder suchen sie aus purer problemlosigkeit gar einen zeitlich befristeten streit, empfielt sich das absichtlich-falsch-verstehen.
falls sie's mit intelligenten leuten zu tun haben, ist das nicht wirklich was für den anfänger sondern erfordert schon einige kunst und talent oder auch vorbereitung: sind sie zum beispiel gerade neidisch auf einen menschen in ihrer nähe, ist die sache schon so gut wie geschenkt. werfen sie dem opfer doch einfach vor, sich über sie lustig zu machen, also sie als zu jung, zu doof, zu fett oder auch zu schlampig hinzustellen, aber natürlich nicht sofort. um die sache etwas auskosten zu können, sollten sie erstmal beleidigt ohne ein wort abziehen und dann bei der nächsten kontaktaufnahme seitens des opfers die ganze sache ins rollen bringen. zu ihrem vorteil können sich die meisten menschen nie genau an die eigenen worte erinnern - also tun sie das einfach für sie (eben der teil für den man einiges talent braucht). läuft solange alles glatt, fühlt sich das opfer natürlich missverstanden, wenn sie's richtig angestellt haben aber auch ein bisschen schuldig, da sie ihm ja gerade gesagt haben, was für schreckliche andeutungen er gemacht haben soll. jedenfalls können sie dann mit einer entschuldigung rechnen. falls ihnen diese nicht reicht (und natürlich tut es das nicht) treffen sie sich mit ihrem gegenspieler und machen sie ihm eine szene - kein neuer streit, ist ja klar, sondern das allseits beliebte ich-möchte-nur-noch-einmal-klarstellen-wie-das-für-mich-war. schmücken sie das mit ihren gefühlen in dem moment und machen sie kleine andeutungen über ihre lange freundschaft, wie sehr sie hoffen, dass das nur eine ungeschickte formulierung des opfers gewesen sein könnte, etc. aber lassen sie natürlich hintergründig durchsickern, dass sie einfach nicht so schnell vergessen können...
hat das alles funktioniert, können sie sehr stolz sein und sind sicher noch einige zeit am drücker, es empfiehlt sich für spätere vorwürfe auch, dann sehr freundschaftlich mit dem opfer umzugehen, aber alles in allem: sie habens geschafft, dem opfer bleibt nichts anderes übrig, als ihnen absichtlich-falsch-verstehen vorzuwerfen, was sie natürlich nicht akzeptieren (zu dem zeitpunkt kann man dann natürlich einen richtigen streit anfangen), oder sie gewinnen zu lassen.
und das allerallerbeste: sie können die ganze zeit herzhaft über das opfer lästern, ist alles vorbei, erzählen sie allen, es sei nur ein missverständnis gewesen und dass sie ja nicht nachtragend sind.
jeder wird ihnen beipflichten und ich kann nur herzlich gratulieren: sie sind eine echte dramaqueen

firewall und ...

2006-08-09T18:52:00.000+02:00

böseböseböse firewall ist endlich wieder lieb! hab echt unglaublich gelitten die letzten paar tage, konnte natürlich an der uni ins netz, aber schreiben mit zuschauern... no, no.
das lernen hat sich wenigstens echt gelohnt, hab ja auch nix anderes mehr gemacht, aber kommt ja leider noch mehr. kann nicht glauben, dass die mir meine letzte prüfung genau 3 tage vor semesteranfang reingedrückt haben - finde ich sollte einen neuen AUFRUF starten, brauche dringend ferien second hand, kann mir nicht irgendwer von seinen supertollen oder fürchterlich schlechten ferien erzählen, oder mir wenigstens ein strandphoto schicken? bitte!!!

eigentlich sollte man ja im moment superglücklich sein - es ist nicht mehr zu warm, manche leute haben ferien, bei soviel p.d.a. siehts ganz so aus, als wäre jeder zweite auf der strasse gaaanz verliebt, überall gibts frische babys... mir jedenfalls geht das grad total auf den keks. in der strassenbahn stinkts immernoch, und die frau von schräg gegenüber, der ich die tasche getragen hab, hat mir sachen über schwangerschaft erzählt, die ich wirklich gar nicht wissen wollte... was mich auch irgendwie aufs thema dramaqueens bringt...

blöde frage...

2006-07-11T19:21:00.000+02:00

weiss ja nich, wie das mit anderen leuten so ist, aber hier wiedermal typisch ich:
die letzten zwei tage schön am lernen, hab eigentlich verstanden - denk ich wenigstens, bis: hmm, bahnhof, keine ahnung, wie man das macht, was das überhaupt soll, ob sowas an der prüfung kommen könnte... natürlich waren ein paar ältere studenten zu meiner rettung nahe, und es stellt sich heraus, dass alles gar nich so mysteriös ist, hätte vielleicht einfach mal ein buch aufschlagen sollen, sonst les ich immer stundenlang an unwichtigen details rum und wenn sichs mal lohnen würde: natürlich nicht!
bin ja froh, dass die anderen nicht laut losgelacht haben, alles schon peinlich genug, aber hier ist das gute an physik: jeder hat das gefühl, alles könnte komlizierter sein, als er denkt. wobei, wenn ichs mir recht überlege: geht wahrscheinlich nur mir so :)
naja, wenigstens weiss ich jetzt, wie man minkowski-diagramme ineinander malt, und ich weiss auch, dass es sich viel komplizierter anhört, als es ist, hihi.
war ja leider nicht das erste mal - nein, ich bin eigentlich nich die typische tussi aus dem ersten jahr, die immer alle nur ausfragt und nichts alleine macht, echt nicht, mach meine übungen, versuch immer mitzukommen, laber, laber...
bin halt nicht das immer-sofort-gleich-chief-checker-bunny und verlier dann irgendwann die geduld, nur: wenn ich mal was frage, dann ist es vielleicht nicht doof, aber eben auch nicht zu schwierig herauszufinden...
m meint ja, ich bilde mir das nur ein, aber war ja eben nicht das erste mal...
lerne: auch nach noch soviel lernen und alles zwei stunden nachlesen (oder mehr, oder weniger, oder...), beim nächsten thema nicht gleich aufgeben, ist nämlich meistens das, wofür man dann nur zwei minuten braucht.
hab ich mir schon mal überlegt. was draus gelernt?
natürlich nicht.

doofer titel

2006-07-09T22:10:00.000+02:00

ist ja klar
wenn man mit was anfängt, schaut man sich auch mal an, wie das die anderen so machen.
ich also gerade mit dem lustigen next blog button n bisschen durch die gegend und siehe da: extrem viele seiten zufällig gesehen, die heute den ersten eintrag hatten. ist das normal? wahrscheinlich schon, ein eintrag, nix mehr eingefallen, dann frustration, dann seite löschen...

kann ich eigentlich irgendwie verstehen, gefällt mir auch nicht, was ich gestern im affekt geschrieben hab, ausserdem hab ich nen doofen titel. andere leute sind so verdammt kreativ oder haben mir die paar sachen, auf die ich selber gekommen bin, weggenommen. grrr. würde hiermit gerne einen AUFRUF starten. bitte bitte gebt mir nen anderen namen, comments herzlich willkommen!!!

hmm, ist sicher ziemlich vermessen zu glauben, dass das hier jemand liest, aber wie dem auch sei, hab ja sogar schon einige meiner charakterzüge offengelegt: ich bin total unkreativ, wenns um mich selbst geht. sonst hab ich immer irgendwelche überhauptnichtdurchführbare, vielzublöde, oder sonstwelche, aber jetzt: einfach nichts. ich hatte mal nen guten namen, ganz ehrlich, ich hab gedacht: das ist er!!! passt zu dir, ist kurz und prägnant (oderso); das ist der name für deinen blog.
hab ich ihn irgendwo aufgeschrieben? natürlich nicht.

2006-07-08T23:46:00.000+02:00

jippie

why

2006-07-08T15:22:00.000+02:00

actually I really only wanted to do fun stuff the last three days: the last exercise classes on Thursday, a little bit of learning, then go to the Thursdays-Bar, go swimming on Friday morning and meet the girls in the evening – we haven't done that for weeks – and then start my blog.
Nice plan, really, just didn't work out too well. The start was pretty good, didn't learn too much on Thursday because I got the password to our physicshomepage and I couldn't resist the urge to write something, then ThuBar, was very funny until due to general lack of orientation I lost my geography-always-on-the-same-train-buddy, went to the smallest lonliest station possible had to wait alone and got accosted by some teenies.
Still the nest morning I woke up at home all safe but it was raining, so no swimming, I read ISS-supply-shuttle mission reports instead of learning, then saw my dad for the first time in 2 years to congratulate for his birthday, got totally sentimental and then kind of sad but still went out with the girls, everything was fine again - until:
girly terror, soooo typical.. don't want to pretend I've never like that at all, but I think that if you can't say what's up right away so everyone can be nice again or if you don't find [whatever thing] bad enough to catfight or make some really embarrasing scene it's just not worth complaining about it afterwards...
I was so not planning on writing some I-know-everything-better complaint blog, but well....
at least I blog now, was shopping for groceries, gonna have my neighbours over later – usual weekend with usual chaos

hope everyone's had a nice semesterending or else a good day
enjoy football

first entry

2006-07-08T11:15:00.000+02:00

i blog