scattered

It's like every hope I ever had for any future is crumbling to pieces...

UPDATE:
Or, that's just what I thought. After completing major step #3 of the AwesomeCrazyStuffProceedure, I felt like I had totally screwed up. Fortunately, it appears I did reasonably well and there's nothing to complain about. Yay!!!
Now on to final step #4... Stay tuned for more panicy business.

just like a little vacation!

FINALLY!!!
Semester has started again, I've passed all exams, and it looks like all the courses I take have something to do with my favourite subject (MFS) which I can now finally rename: My FUTURE Subject (MFS)!!! Isn't this brilliant?
There's just one more immediate task I'll have to fulfill for AwesomeCrazyStuff next week and then I'll be a real student again with real studentlife!!! (well, till april, maybe... oh, it's almost march... oh, shit...)
Whatever.

So, I've just "moved in" to a friend's place that I'll be sitting for the next 2 weeks, and it's really a little bit like vacation... I've been here before a lot, but now it's really like ... I can just sit here, take a deep breath, and think about the last couple of months (ok, this might be due to a certain, very good bottle of wine that I've recently purchased). I'm not at the point of reflecting over the last two years yet (eventhough that would be what I expect of a REAL vacation), but at least I feel at ease, and a little confident, and just like that: happy.

how could they know that ?!?

Your time of day has a split personality -- sometimes it's sweat-streaked and loud, and you're on the dance floor, getting your third wind, and shouting lyrics like you'll never run out of energy. You are the time of night that carves itself into your memory forever, because you'll never forget how much you love these people and this moment and this song. It's not always about unforgettable parties, though. Sometimes your late night (err… early morning) burst of energy happens when you're home alone. Those are the times when you say, "I flat out refuse to go to sleep until I finish reading this book, or typing this page, or reorganizing my entire closet." In either case, you are the time of night when it feels sort of forbidden to be awake, but you love accomplishing something special long after everyone else went to bed.

SEEN ON Playing School

totally overwhelmed

So many decisions to be made, so much studying to do, so much sleep to catch up.
Can't someone just organize me an extra week?
At least funky music keeps me awake today/night/whatever.
Didn't I say I didn't want to complain? Yeah, I did.

Also, I'm constantly thinking about retaking this exam. I wasn't as well prepared as I wanted to be a couple of days before it, but then in the end I felt ok about the stuff. The first minutes went well until I became really nervous and couldn't answer the easiest questions (as in questions I could have answered even before taking the course). I'm still really embarrassed (even though I not "only" passed). Especially because I want to take part II. I don't really want extras like another exam, and I don't even have time for anything like that, I'm just scared that they'll start laughing when they see me again next semester. It's not that they didn't notice that I was nervous, they were even really nice about it...
Uh, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Also, one really nice professor of mine agreed to do something for me, but then apparently forgot for a couple of weeks. I was too scared to ask him again. In the end he noticed and did it, but how do I look in this? I just don't want to disturb professors more than I have to, but then they also might think I lack commitment...
And there's a couple of other things I'll have to take care of - just: everytime I stand in front of that office I turn around again and leave. And I was even asked to stop by! (right now learning a lot though nights is a good excuse, but then again: writing selfabsorbed bullshit like this isn't really productive...)

AGAIN: What the fuck is wrong with me?!?

So, I've decided to publish the following linklist. I'd put them on a blogroll, but as I said I'm scared of professors...
Still, these are some of the blogs I read. During semester when I do the lab teaching I love it, but sometimes they all give me the creeps

things that matter.

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"I dunno, press the button and find out."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

Wow, time is supposed to "pass by at constant velocity" (I put it in "", just an analogy, please noone shoot me), but to me it seems like I last posted yesterday. Probably because nothing really happened except for studying a lot and (up to now) passing exams. Well, that's not conpletely true: I've been embarrassing myself. Twice in public and just now all by myself.

Let's not get into how, it's physics and my time-speed thingy must suffice to display how bad I am at talking physics.
What's more intriguing: Do I really value my own opinion so much that I can embarrass myself infront of myself?

UPDATE:
Well, also I've completed the major step #2 of the AwesomeCrazyStuffProcedure. But that's really all that happened.
Oh, and the Mexican requested special appearance in my blog. Here it was.

passed

- After total embarrassment over half an hour my professors let me pass and leave, I'm so relieved
- Usually a couple of days before the exam I get this feeling, everything totally makes sense and I also feel where details belong in that bigger picture. This time I only felt that the morning of the same day. Bad for sleep, and it also doesn't really help with my exam issues. So, apparantly I was not that unprepared after all, but I hope this is better next time.
- some people failed. Everytime I hear someone's failed, I get totally scared and feel like an impostor.
- I'm really exhausted, still. And I have to work on AwesomeCrazyStuff, and study for the other exams. But at least it's labweek, yay! I know this sounds weird because most people hate it, but I just can't live without some real stuff from time to time.
- Still didn't take a course on proper female behaviour, just have no time. Does anyone know any online resources?

crisis

The exam is soon. I was never ever so badly prepared, well at least not since I'm out of school.
The last two weeks were horrible - spiked with nice intermezzos, but overall really not cool at all. I couldn't really study, eventough I'm very interested in the field - thought about doing that for the rest of my life a while ago - I just can't concentrate. At all. It's not that I couldn't set my priorities, there were and are just so many other things I have to take care of. And now I've run out of time. Guess this will be the first failed exam.
Ok, that sounds fucking desperate. But that's exactly what I am.

Plus the typical pre-exam clumsiness has set in. I keep on running into doorframes, spilling coffee over myself, hitting my head on whatever comes close enough, being so distracted that I forget why I call someone, walk to the bookshelf, or stand in the kitchen. Best example today: I threw away a pair of socks instead of putting them on.

For half an hour I've been sitting over this plot. There's apparently about 30 interesting things you could deduce from it, and I just can't get myself to figure out one.

I need the Tardis, or the Enterprise, or just like that: more time.

happy f***ing new year!

So, NC, happy new year!! I had such a great night!! What did you do yesterday?
Hmmm. Let's see. What I'm doing (with my life)
- study
- notice that VeryImportantStuff I had sent the 21st (!!!) had still not arrived
- make phone calls
- panic
- get mail that stuff arrived
- be relieved
- study
- 0:00 drink last bit of wine left in fridge
- study
- got to bed at 9 am
- stood up 2 pm
- study
- get mails that AwesomeCrazyStuff needs some more immediate attention
- try not to panic
- get back to studying
- get mail that LittleLessImportantStuff next week is not going to work out as I thought
- be pissed off
- get back to studying
- notice that still pissed off
- panic because not able to concentrate
- study
- make tea, listen to very loud music on ipod to not wake anyone, and post

Yeah. Happy new year.


UPDATE
It's half past three and still I don't seem to be able to concentrate. I constantly have to think about the stuff I have to do after the exam, as in: learning for the other exams. And all that other crap. I need a secretary. ASAP.

hmm.

Your results:
You are Supergirl

Supergirl 95% Robin 85% The Flash 75% Wonder Woman 70% Superman 70% Spider-Man 60% Green Lantern 60% Iron Man 55% Batman 45% Catwoman 25% Hulk 25%

Lean, muscular and feminine. Honest and a defender of the innocent.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

NC's Christmas Tale

24th - What a wonderful day.
Yeah.
The morning didn't even start that bad. I drove to my mum's office, since she had to work, we had breakfast, and then I was kept from reading ExperimentalSubject-Book by one of her coworkers who filled me in to the newest exciting stuff that's going on - it was hilarious!
Also, the coffee was really good so I drove us all the way to CrazyFamily. I like CrazyFamily, I also like the attachments to CrazyFamily - what I don't like is CrazySuburbia where they live.
CrazySuburbia has a lot of nice inhabitants but there's also the AnnoyingFamily.
One member of the AnnoyingFamily was once my flatmate when he worked in my city, and he was pretty easy going and cool, I just never saw much of him. The rest of his family has some really annoying dynamics going on, I wouldn't care too much about that if not - one sunny day - I was made the newest f***ing suburbia-crap-talk-about. So, here comes a little story:

One sunny day during exam preparation NC sits at her kitchen table when all of a sudden her phone rings. NC of course is delighted to hear from AnnoyingYoungerBrother who is just studying for his finals and figures it would be nice to know what this one professor of his would ask.
Since that professor was once here in my city, AnnoyingYoungerBrother goes: Oh, NC! You know so many people (he must have forgotten that I'm a physicist), I'm sure you could organize some protocols that were written by that professor's former students (if time allows), I need them in two weeks (latest)!
NC: -
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: You know, this is really important!
NC: I see...
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: I'm sure you'll manage. Bye!
NC: -
Phone: beeep.
Of course, NC can spend some time finding out that there's even two Student Organizations for this ReallyExtremelyFarFromMine-Field - light years further than ReallyCoolFarFromMine-Field - and NC can still see no plausible explanation for that. These two organizations don't answer NC's emails, so one rainy day NC decides to go visit them in person. Both tell NC that there's no such thing as protocols for this specific subfield of ReallyExtremelyFarFromMine-Field after searching through their folders for each at least 15 min.
Disappointed NC calls AnnoyingYoungerBrother.
NC: Hi, AnnoyingYoungerBrother, this is NC. I'm really sorry, but I have to bring bad -
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: Oh, no, you forgot? I told you this was urgent!
NC: No, no, I didn't forget, these protocols just don't exist.
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: Oh come on, I know that there's this OfficialPerson who has them. I'm just in DifferentCountry and can't get them.
NC: Oh, I'll see what I can do then.
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: Bye!
NC: B..
Phone: beeep.
The next day NC wants to know more about OfficialPerson and after some research she finds out that OfficialPerson is in no way related to NC'sUniversity, but that NC'sParlament has elected OfficialPerson to be the highest jurisdiction on recourses and such, so has all the official protocols of very final Finals. NC is smart enough to figure out all by herself that these are not thought to be a learning aid for prospective ReallyExtremelyFarFromMine-FieldProfessionals and just when she wants to call AnnoyingYoungerBrother her phone rings.
NC's mum: Uh, NC, honey! I just got a weird call from CrazyFamilyMember. OtherCrazyFamilyMember told CrazyFamilyMember that MotherOfAnnoyingYoungerBrother heard from AnnoyingYoungerBrother that you're not willing to help him with some F***StupidStuff that I didn't understand because I was distracted because she actually made someone get me out of ReallyImportantMeeting.
NC: Oh, no, mommy, I'm sorry. There's just no legal way I could help AnnoyingYoungerBrother.
NC's mum: AnnoyingFamily is really annoying.
NC: Yeah, mommy, I'm really sorry that interfered with your job. I'll handle it.
NC's mum: Ok dear. Gotta go back to work.
NC: Bye.
(I put the last two lines in to also let you read about the nice part of my tale)
NC punches phone number into phone,
Phone: Ringring
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: Hi, NC. Did you get them?
NC: Are you sure you meant OfficialPerson, because OfficialPerson does only ReallyOfficialStuff, and the two student organizations really have nothing for your subfield.
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: Oh, just go to OfficialPerson (AnnoyingYoungerBrother clearly didn't understand what NC said).
NC: But...
Phone: beeep.
So in the end NC actually calls OfficialPerson'sSecretary and is offered a major smackdown for free. Major. As in how-f***ing-stupid-are-you-?-smackdown-major and decides to leave it at that before going to jail.
NC tries to call AnnoyingYoungerBrother but he doesn't respond, so she writes an sms and never gets an answer.

End of story?

Well, not really. Today CrazyFamilyMember told me she heard from MotherOfAnnoyingYoungerBrother, that he had said that I either didn't want to help him or that I hadn't understood what he wanted because I was distracted playing on my computer. Yeah, I can remember that I wrote down that professor's name and the subfield and that I tried to google both. Really didn't know that doing REALLY-UNTHANKFUL-ANNOYING-BRAT's research is now considered computer gaming.
CrazyFamilyMembers also filled me in today that AnnoyingFamily is coming for lunch tomorrow.
Eeeek!

GoodOldFamilyFriends were here for dinner. One part of them is going to die of cancer. We had great food and great conversation and almost totally forgot about that, but now I feel totally fucked up. At least we didn't have the usual shitty family drama - but still: Christmas sucks.
It's now AnnoyingFamily'sArrival minus ten minutes.

UPDATE:
It's now Wednesday.
Yesterday I managed to bite my tongue and smalltalked with the less annoying members of AnnoyingFamily. The rest of the day I spent studying (don't pity me, that's how I evaded newest CrazySuburbia gossip).
Yesterday evening CrazyCousin's Girlfriend's Aunt collapsed. She is braindead and right now undergoing harvesting surgery.
Christmas sucks.

yucky

...really!!
If I had thought last week was crazy, this one is even worse. And today (which is not even halfway over)... today:
Today's actually supposed to be last day of school, last fun before hard core studying. Last courses, last seminar, last slide, coffee, run to station to get some food, run to catch train, eat lunch on train, run to some office, get official documentation, run on bus, drive home to get other documents, get phone call from flatmate searching for keys, change from fancy skirt and pullover into good ol' baggy pants and hoodie, take ladder, go to waste container, climb in waste container to search for keys, search for keys (delta t: 30 min, Temperature: 269 K, NC: disgusted), climb out of container, panic about keys, take ladder, go back into appartment, get rid of clothes, turn on World'sBestCoffeeMashine, take coffee and laptop, and post.
Still to do:
go to postal office, send documents, go back to university, have beer with peers, and meet some other people for drinks.

Right now I can't decide if I:
- will ever stand up again
- have time to take a shower
- smell
- only feel smelly
- can ever eat mango again (you haven't seen what I've seen today)


Don't you also have this funny feeling that my real name is Guybrush Threepwood?

a post

Just a little bit about me. Not a particularly good idea, considered that this can be read by everyone in the pretty-darn huge world wide web (Remind me to tell about the guy that constantly said pretty-darn and annoyed me beyond belief in only something like 5 hours. Just don't ever say pretty-darn something if you don't really absolutely mean it. Please!).
Can anyone tell me if that comma after idea is correct? That wasn't even a real sentence, oh, whatever.
So back to - me. Right now I'm sitting at the table in my living room, it's transparent because it's made of glass - which by the way is an amorph solid state of a relatively simple silicate - and we've got six chairs around it: one's blue, one's black, and the others are different shades of petrol and greyish blue. And I'm working on ACS. And I should continue.

I made my mom do the spice test. She just called me and told me she was chiltepin pepper.
I'm so boring.

Your Score: Saffron

You scored 75% intoxication, 25% hotness, 100% complexity, and 50% craziness!

You are Saffron!

Those other spices have nothing on you! You're warm, smart, and you make people feel really good (and with no side-effects!). You can be difficult to get to know and require a lot of those who try, but you're so totally worth it. *Sigh*

go ahead, take the test yourself!

and once again...

I'm in for a long night. ReallyCoolTheoryClass is really good for endless Monday nights.
I was at the opera yesterday evening. I couldn't help it and wept for at least two thirds of the entire performance. There's no explanation - I'm just touched by certain kinds of music and ambiance and this was absolutely beautiful.
Back to work

ballroom...

going to a ball tomorrow. Since I'm not used to stuff not fitting me, I didn't think of trying my dress till now. It'll do, but I still had some trouble getting into it.
Wish me luck!

oh, yeah:
UPDATE
Everything worked out fine. Dress actually fit perfectly well - Guess I was just not that capable at 4am.

thoughts on chocolate

I don't like chocolate. That might not seem to be a very deep statement or a very personal thing to say, but funnily enough it will multiply your chances to know who I am by millions, though I probably won't tell people anymore for the following reason:
They tend to get offended.
Mostly I get offered chocolate by people that are eating chocolate themselves. I usually politely reject saying that I don't like chocolate too much which seems to be the worst answer of all! Not only do I refuse to help them not to consume too many calories, I also don't worship the donation of some people's favourite thing on earth so it seems.
I'm just home from a long day of fruitless attempts on RCFFMF and RCT exercises, turned on my absolutely gorgeous coffee mashine to get ready for more BeingTooDense, when my flatmate started to pity me and presented me with some chocolate. It was a really cute thing to do - which I told her - but still she seemed a little taken aback when I thankfully rejected. I do understand that people want their presents to be appreciated in every way BUT I REALLY THINK IT'S YUCKY!!! GIMME STAKE!!!

random

- I drive too fast. Seriously.
- ReallyCoolFarFromMyField class turns out to be more work than I thought
- Friday I missed the one seminar talk I was most interested in,
- had a student in the lab who didn't know how to turn on a computer (push the big round and LABELED button in the front),
- had great breakfast and conversation at CoolParticleTheoryGirl's place, because
- we had a party on Thursday night, where I
- put too much gin in one of my professors' drink, but at least I
- didn't totally ruin everything with the other professor
- and met really great people!!!
- Right now I'm in a DifferentCountry at MyMum'sBestFriend's place and should do some work. There's a great coffee machine here and the sun is shining and I'm really tempted to just sit outside and do nothing for a while instead of NotWorkingButBlogging inside.

being... me

The longer I do physics, the more I recognize myself in stupid clichés. At least I try to dress nicely, I wear skirts and heels and mascara, I shower everyday, and I try not to be too buddylike to guys that are not my peers. I've always liked science fiction, though, and I have to admit that I still play d&d twice a year when I meet my old friends, I love techy gadgets and I still read comics - I just don't buy them anymore.
I guess I have been geekier when I was younger but there's new symtoms: confusion, paranoia and neuroses.
I thought my mum's birthday was tomorrow but then I realized yesterday that Wednesday was not the 24th. When people look at me I usually think I either bleed somewhere in my face, or I have some kind of stains on my clothes, or that I have birdshit on my hair. I need to know that my kitchen is absolutely clean to sleep.

Pathetic little me.