uh... I have these really weird friday-flashbacks where I start to shudder and feel back there again. I've always had that after exams or when I used to paraglide after flights with awkward situations. But when I fly or during exams that go well, time just flys by eventhough I'm nervous. Now I have the feeling that things start going wrong when I suddenly realize where I am and what I'm doing. I had this moment of consciousness during my talk - it was not in an insecure moment or anything, all of a sudden in midsentence I was looking at my slide's projection on the wall and thought a mixture of the following:
- oh my, what the hell am I doing here
- this is actually really cute physics
- there's an awful lot of people sitting here (there were actually just 30 or so)
- when I've finished this thought will I be nervous and screw up?
- ...
- what was I going to say???
Immediately after this I was nervous and screwed up. Well, not totally - but this must have been the moment my professor talked about, because afterwards I got myself together again and the rest went ok.
So, the next time I'm still capable of making the decision I'll cut off those weird thoughts and just go ahead. I feel that I had thought about this before, maybe that's exactly the thing that ruins about half of my exams - sometimes I think I just get myself out of it somehow or this stuff doesn't even start because I'm in the flow from the beginning on.
Friday didn't go really bad or anything, only when I made the most important (to me) point I probably didn't look too confident.
hmmm. Can someone please come and fish the whatifs out of my head???