a little trouble...
I've first written this thing on a beer coaster, so bear with me...
Right now I'm sitting on my friend's balcony with the (almost invisible) rest of a bottle of wine and just feel doomed (actually, I'm not really doomed, I'm more like C3po who says he's doomed and then theres still the other humans or chewies or r2d2 who will rescue him).
There's more to this, but right now I'm just too tired...
I'll update this soon.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
scattered
It's like every hope I ever had for any future is crumbling to pieces...
UPDATE:
Or, that's just what I thought. After completing major step #3 of the AwesomeCrazyStuffProceedure, I felt like I had totally screwed up. Fortunately, it appears I did reasonably well and there's nothing to complain about. Yay!!!
Now on to final step #4... Stay tuned for more panicy business.
UPDATE:
Or, that's just what I thought. After completing major step #3 of the AwesomeCrazyStuffProceedure, I felt like I had totally screwed up. Fortunately, it appears I did reasonably well and there's nothing to complain about. Yay!!!
Now on to final step #4... Stay tuned for more panicy business.
Friday, February 22, 2008
new perspectives
So, I kind of want to write about advising.
In general I'd say that you can give best advice on things you've experienced youself, but of course, there's more to that: more than just giving an opinion, but engaging in a matter and figuring out different solutions or at least ways of proceeding.
Today I had a 2 hour phonecall from someone who I don't really know that much. I have been told before that I give the impression to know what I'm doing and also being approachable and willing to help, but there's not too many people that would call me on this (maybe mainly because most of my surrounding tends to be male), except for some really close friends... So today I felt like an adviser of some kind.
The issue is probably some mixture of the Imposter Syndrome and having failed before which I can absolutely relate to (sadly enough). Some time ago after reading this post by sciencemama, I found some other things on the web, and decided for myself that I would stop this pathological mal-thinking. What really helped me in the end was that I discovered that I am not the only one. I still have these feelings but they're put in perspective, I finally feel like I belong - at least to my specific "scientific age group".
But back to topic - It took us quite a while to figure out what the real problem was, especially because this person mistrusts people in general and second guesses every word or action, and while discussing we figured out how that person could work on the issue in general in a hopefully less selfdestructive way.
Honestly, I never had that before concerning personal matters: The same feeling I sometimes have when discussing a scientific problem. It was not about finding a solution or 5, but more about understanding the matter itself - nail the problem.
I wouldn't go as far as one of my professors who used to say that nontriviality is always in the problem, that's a definition issue, I guess every mathematician and physicist would protest (since the most intuitive theorem often is the hardest to prove), but in PsychoCrapLand the solution is often in finding the underlying cause.
Uh, this is a really horrible post. Not very insightful - as I said before, I don't really like PsychoCrap, but whatever.
In general I'd say that you can give best advice on things you've experienced youself, but of course, there's more to that: more than just giving an opinion, but engaging in a matter and figuring out different solutions or at least ways of proceeding.
Today I had a 2 hour phonecall from someone who I don't really know that much. I have been told before that I give the impression to know what I'm doing and also being approachable and willing to help, but there's not too many people that would call me on this (maybe mainly because most of my surrounding tends to be male), except for some really close friends... So today I felt like an adviser of some kind.
The issue is probably some mixture of the Imposter Syndrome and having failed before which I can absolutely relate to (sadly enough). Some time ago after reading this post by sciencemama, I found some other things on the web, and decided for myself that I would stop this pathological mal-thinking. What really helped me in the end was that I discovered that I am not the only one. I still have these feelings but they're put in perspective, I finally feel like I belong - at least to my specific "scientific age group".
But back to topic - It took us quite a while to figure out what the real problem was, especially because this person mistrusts people in general and second guesses every word or action, and while discussing we figured out how that person could work on the issue in general in a hopefully less selfdestructive way.
Honestly, I never had that before concerning personal matters: The same feeling I sometimes have when discussing a scientific problem. It was not about finding a solution or 5, but more about understanding the matter itself - nail the problem.
I wouldn't go as far as one of my professors who used to say that nontriviality is always in the problem, that's a definition issue, I guess every mathematician and physicist would protest (since the most intuitive theorem often is the hardest to prove), but in PsychoCrapLand the solution is often in finding the underlying cause.
Uh, this is a really horrible post. Not very insightful - as I said before, I don't really like PsychoCrap, but whatever.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
just like a little vacation!
FINALLY!!!
Semester has started again, I've passed all exams, and it looks like all the courses I take have something to do with my favourite subject (MFS) which I can now finally rename: My FUTURE Subject (MFS)!!! Isn't this brilliant?
There's just one more immediate task I'll have to fulfill for AwesomeCrazyStuff next week and then I'll be a real student again with real studentlife!!! (well, till april, maybe... oh, it's almost march... oh, shit...)
Whatever.
So, I've just "moved in" to a friend's place that I'll be sitting for the next 2 weeks, and it's really a little bit like vacation... I've been here before a lot, but now it's really like ... I can just sit here, take a deep breath, and think about the last couple of months (ok, this might be due to a certain, very good bottle of wine that I've recently purchased). I'm not at the point of reflecting over the last two years yet (eventhough that would be what I expect of a REAL vacation), but at least I feel at ease, and a little confident, and just like that: happy.
Semester has started again, I've passed all exams, and it looks like all the courses I take have something to do with my favourite subject (MFS) which I can now finally rename: My FUTURE Subject (MFS)!!! Isn't this brilliant?
There's just one more immediate task I'll have to fulfill for AwesomeCrazyStuff next week and then I'll be a real student again with real studentlife!!! (well, till april, maybe... oh, it's almost march... oh, shit...)
Whatever.
So, I've just "moved in" to a friend's place that I'll be sitting for the next 2 weeks, and it's really a little bit like vacation... I've been here before a lot, but now it's really like ... I can just sit here, take a deep breath, and think about the last couple of months (ok, this might be due to a certain, very good bottle of wine that I've recently purchased). I'm not at the point of reflecting over the last two years yet (eventhough that would be what I expect of a REAL vacation), but at least I feel at ease, and a little confident, and just like that: happy.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
stunned
Wow, actually I wanted to write about something entirely different, but since I've recently decided to write less of the usual self-absorbed crap (although this is still my blog) you will now read the following:
I have always had this very naive view on academia (am I still naive if I know that I'm naive?), and this article (wonderfully criticized here and here and here and of course here and here and other places) ... speechless. It's about clothes.
Short summary in my words: Professors have to wear suits, otherwise they're not respected, blah, blah, students don't take them seriously, blah, blah...
My first thought went along Dave Bacon's post: Should I dress down now?!? (As I said, I wear skirts, heels AND mascara)
But seriously: Academia is supposed to be a place of knowledge, freedom of speech, and sans dresscode. The article in question also somehow implies that students pay for a serious lecturer seriously lecturing seriously interesting stuff. Do I need a professor to wear a tie when he explains how a cube slides down an inclined plane to believe him? And would I believe a professor with a tie telling me that it's a yellow god named Gigi that makes string theory work because he sometimes picks on them?
Of course we're taught facts mostly, but even in an undergraduate course you can easily reach the point where things aren't sorted out yet and a professor might state his personal opinion on the matter.
In less mathematical sciences this might always be the case.
So really, I thought studying means being taught the models that work, getting equipped with the tools to verify them myself and enough "knowledge" to decide in what I can believe. And if someone's really really good at all this and his peers think: Oh, that person's really smart and says mostly correct stuff, then that's how you become a professor.
I can't imagine someone saying: Uh, I love that guy's jacket, does anyone know how many papers he's published?
(yours, the nine year old idealistic me)
I have always had this very naive view on academia (am I still naive if I know that I'm naive?), and this article (wonderfully criticized here and here and here and of course here and here and other places) ... speechless. It's about clothes.
Short summary in my words: Professors have to wear suits, otherwise they're not respected, blah, blah, students don't take them seriously, blah, blah...
My first thought went along Dave Bacon's post: Should I dress down now?!? (As I said, I wear skirts, heels AND mascara)
But seriously: Academia is supposed to be a place of knowledge, freedom of speech, and sans dresscode. The article in question also somehow implies that students pay for a serious lecturer seriously lecturing seriously interesting stuff. Do I need a professor to wear a tie when he explains how a cube slides down an inclined plane to believe him? And would I believe a professor with a tie telling me that it's a yellow god named Gigi that makes string theory work because he sometimes picks on them?
Of course we're taught facts mostly, but even in an undergraduate course you can easily reach the point where things aren't sorted out yet and a professor might state his personal opinion on the matter.
In less mathematical sciences this might always be the case.
So really, I thought studying means being taught the models that work, getting equipped with the tools to verify them myself and enough "knowledge" to decide in what I can believe. And if someone's really really good at all this and his peers think: Oh, that person's really smart and says mostly correct stuff, then that's how you become a professor.
I can't imagine someone saying: Uh, I love that guy's jacket, does anyone know how many papers he's published?
(yours, the nine year old idealistic me)
Sunday, February 10, 2008
how could they know that ?!?
Your time of day has a split personality -- sometimes it's sweat-streaked and loud, and you're on the dance floor, getting your third wind, and shouting lyrics like you'll never run out of energy. You are the time of night that carves itself into your memory forever, because you'll never forget how much you love these people and this moment and this song. It's not always about unforgettable parties, though. Sometimes your late night (err… early morning) burst of energy happens when you're home alone. Those are the times when you say, "I flat out refuse to go to sleep until I finish reading this book, or typing this page, or reorganizing my entire closet." In either case, you are the time of night when it feels sort of forbidden to be awake, but you love accomplishing something special long after everyone else went to bed.
SEEN ON Playing School
Saturday, February 09, 2008
scary stuff
If you're a student: read with caution.
If you're one of my special students: READ!!!
For the rest of the universe these are probably just great fun.
A Gentleman's C
Playing School, Irreverently
Learning Curves
And here comes the place professors meet to hate us:
Rate Your Students
Have fun or run,
yet another snowflake
If you're one of my special students: READ!!!
For the rest of the universe these are probably just great fun.
A Gentleman's C
Playing School, Irreverently
Learning Curves
And here comes the place professors meet to hate us:
Rate Your Students
Have fun or run,
yet another snowflake
totally overwhelmed
So many decisions to be made, so much studying to do, so much sleep to catch up.
Can't someone just organize me an extra week?
At least funky music keeps me awake today/night/whatever.
Didn't I say I didn't want to complain? Yeah, I did.
Also, I'm constantly thinking about retaking this exam. I wasn't as well prepared as I wanted to be a couple of days before it, but then in the end I felt ok about the stuff. The first minutes went well until I became really nervous and couldn't answer the easiest questions (as in questions I could have answered even before taking the course). I'm still really embarrassed (even though I not "only" passed). Especially because I want to take part II. I don't really want extras like another exam, and I don't even have time for anything like that, I'm just scared that they'll start laughing when they see me again next semester. It's not that they didn't notice that I was nervous, they were even really nice about it...
Uh, what the fuck is wrong with me?
Also, one really nice professor of mine agreed to do something for me, but then apparently forgot for a couple of weeks. I was too scared to ask him again. In the end he noticed and did it, but how do I look in this? I just don't want to disturb professors more than I have to, but then they also might think I lack commitment...
And there's a couple of other things I'll have to take care of - just: everytime I stand in front of that office I turn around again and leave. And I was even asked to stop by! (right now learning a lot though nights is a good excuse, but then again: writing selfabsorbed bullshit like this isn't really productive...)
AGAIN: What the fuck is wrong with me?!?
So, I've decided to publish the following linklist. I'd put them on a blogroll, but as I said I'm scared of professors...
Still, these are some of the blogs I read. During semester when I do the lab teaching I love it, but sometimes they all give me the creeps
Can't someone just organize me an extra week?
At least funky music keeps me awake today/night/whatever.
Didn't I say I didn't want to complain? Yeah, I did.
Also, I'm constantly thinking about retaking this exam. I wasn't as well prepared as I wanted to be a couple of days before it, but then in the end I felt ok about the stuff. The first minutes went well until I became really nervous and couldn't answer the easiest questions (as in questions I could have answered even before taking the course). I'm still really embarrassed (even though I not "only" passed). Especially because I want to take part II. I don't really want extras like another exam, and I don't even have time for anything like that, I'm just scared that they'll start laughing when they see me again next semester. It's not that they didn't notice that I was nervous, they were even really nice about it...
Uh, what the fuck is wrong with me?
Also, one really nice professor of mine agreed to do something for me, but then apparently forgot for a couple of weeks. I was too scared to ask him again. In the end he noticed and did it, but how do I look in this? I just don't want to disturb professors more than I have to, but then they also might think I lack commitment...
And there's a couple of other things I'll have to take care of - just: everytime I stand in front of that office I turn around again and leave. And I was even asked to stop by! (right now learning a lot though nights is a good excuse, but then again: writing selfabsorbed bullshit like this isn't really productive...)
AGAIN: What the fuck is wrong with me?!?
So, I've decided to publish the following linklist. I'd put them on a blogroll, but as I said I'm scared of professors...
Still, these are some of the blogs I read. During semester when I do the lab teaching I love it, but sometimes they all give me the creeps
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
study habits
After working through the night I'm finally drinking a glass of wine before going to bed. Sun's already up and my neighbours who are just having breakfast are watching me. Weird, one could think they'd be used to it by now.
Wow, time is supposed to "pass by at constant velocity" (I put it in "", just an analogy, please noone shoot me), but to me it seems like I last posted yesterday. Probably because nothing really happened except for studying a lot and (up to now) passing exams. Well, that's not conpletely true: I've been embarrassing myself. Twice in public and just now all by myself.
Let's not get into how, it's physics and my time-speed thingy must suffice to display how bad I am at talking physics.
What's more intriguing: Do I really value my own opinion so much that I can embarrass myself infront of myself?
UPDATE:
Well, also I've completed the major step #2 of the AwesomeCrazyStuffProcedure. But that's really all that happened.
Oh, and the Mexican requested special appearance in my blog. Here it was.
Let's not get into how, it's physics and my time-speed thingy must suffice to display how bad I am at talking physics.
What's more intriguing: Do I really value my own opinion so much that I can embarrass myself infront of myself?
UPDATE:
Well, also I've completed the major step #2 of the AwesomeCrazyStuffProcedure. But that's really all that happened.
Oh, and the Mexican requested special appearance in my blog. Here it was.
Friday, January 11, 2008
overheard
I was on the run today, and when I had lunch sitting on a bench somewhere in the city, I overheard the following bits of one side of a phone call.
A girl around 20, apparently talking to a guy:
... so you saw her yesterday? How was it? ... Oh really? ... Oh, you know, I don't want to interfere, but she told us on Wednesday, that she was definitely going to break up with you. ... (I couldn't hear anything for a while since she was walking around a little) ... Oh, you know, I'm definately not her friend. I'm not on her side or anything. ... ... Let's meet for a coffee, then we can talk a little longer. ... Are you alright? ... Come on, let's meet tonight ...
Wow! Poor guy. I'm pretty sure that this is not really the greatest way to hear that someone's going to break up with him, especially hearing it from someone who his not-yet-ex seems to have trusted and who is now hitting on him.
Life's a bitch.
A girl around 20, apparently talking to a guy:
... so you saw her yesterday? How was it? ... Oh really? ... Oh, you know, I don't want to interfere, but she told us on Wednesday, that she was definitely going to break up with you. ... (I couldn't hear anything for a while since she was walking around a little) ... Oh, you know, I'm definately not her friend. I'm not on her side or anything. ... ... Let's meet for a coffee, then we can talk a little longer. ... Are you alright? ... Come on, let's meet tonight ...
Wow! Poor guy. I'm pretty sure that this is not really the greatest way to hear that someone's going to break up with him, especially hearing it from someone who his not-yet-ex seems to have trusted and who is now hitting on him.
Life's a bitch.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
sitting in the lab
Finally I'm back in a lab. This might be the very last time I do something like this, so I'm really trying to enjoy, but...
once again: a little story.
Yesterday I hand a coax cable to one of my peers telling him where to plug it in, when my assistant says:
How bout you do that yourself? Then you can see how it feels to plug in such a cable.
? AGAIN??? First of all I have seen and plugged in more than one of these in my life, I can even differ between different sorts of cables! Secondly I've had an electronics course, accompanied by a soldering and "plugging" lab, so I even know how different cables are supposed to work.
Last but not least, when I worked at VBA I'm pretty sure that I plugged more of those coax cables than he ever will in his sorry little life.
And by the way: just because I have boobs doesn't mean that I can't handle a scope.
once again: a little story.
Yesterday I hand a coax cable to one of my peers telling him where to plug it in, when my assistant says:
How bout you do that yourself? Then you can see how it feels to plug in such a cable.
? AGAIN??? First of all I have seen and plugged in more than one of these in my life, I can even differ between different sorts of cables! Secondly I've had an electronics course, accompanied by a soldering and "plugging" lab, so I even know how different cables are supposed to work.
Last but not least, when I worked at VBA I'm pretty sure that I plugged more of those coax cables than he ever will in his sorry little life.
And by the way: just because I have boobs doesn't mean that I can't handle a scope.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
no title
Once again. Long night. I'm working hard here to make AwesomeCrazyStuff happen in the end but there's always new small stuff I have to take care of.
Major Step Number One has been completed last week. But I'm not satisfied at all - well, no chance to change that now anyway.
This whole procedure will consist of three more steps taking loads of time. I really hope that my studies can sustain that without too much damage. My personal life doesn't.
(note to self: don't ever complain! (I'm not))
Major Step Number One has been completed last week. But I'm not satisfied at all - well, no chance to change that now anyway.
This whole procedure will consist of three more steps taking loads of time. I really hope that my studies can sustain that without too much damage. My personal life doesn't.
(note to self: don't ever complain! (I'm not))
Saturday, January 05, 2008
passed
- After total embarrassment over half an hour my professors let me pass and leave, I'm so relieved
- Usually a couple of days before the exam I get this feeling, everything totally makes sense and I also feel where details belong in that bigger picture. This time I only felt that the morning of the same day. Bad for sleep, and it also doesn't really help with my exam issues. So, apparantly I was not that unprepared after all, but I hope this is better next time.
- some people failed. Everytime I hear someone's failed, I get totally scared and feel like an impostor.
- I'm really exhausted, still. And I have to work on AwesomeCrazyStuff, and study for the other exams. But at least it's labweek, yay! I know this sounds weird because most people hate it, but I just can't live without some real stuff from time to time.
- Still didn't take a course on proper female behaviour, just have no time. Does anyone know any online resources?
- Usually a couple of days before the exam I get this feeling, everything totally makes sense and I also feel where details belong in that bigger picture. This time I only felt that the morning of the same day. Bad for sleep, and it also doesn't really help with my exam issues. So, apparantly I was not that unprepared after all, but I hope this is better next time.
- some people failed. Everytime I hear someone's failed, I get totally scared and feel like an impostor.
- I'm really exhausted, still. And I have to work on AwesomeCrazyStuff, and study for the other exams. But at least it's labweek, yay! I know this sounds weird because most people hate it, but I just can't live without some real stuff from time to time.
- Still didn't take a course on proper female behaviour, just have no time. Does anyone know any online resources?
Thursday, January 03, 2008
totally useless
I've just recieved the scores of the most useless test I've ever taken. The Test of English as a foreign language thingy. I absolutely understand that it's very important for an institute to know if their students will be able to communicate at all. Really. I do. But for me this was just a complete waste of time, money, and energy. I'm not criticizing institute policies here, I've just spent around 250 U.S. Dollars, around 100 hours - in tiny little bits for the sake of REALLY losing time, of course - and at least 300 neurons - due to a lot of banging-my-head-against-various-walls...
All this to get the confirmation that my English is alright.
All this to get the confirmation that my English is alright.
crisis
The exam is soon. I was never ever so badly prepared, well at least not since I'm out of school.
The last two weeks were horrible - spiked with nice intermezzos, but overall really not cool at all. I couldn't really study, eventough I'm very interested in the field - thought about doing that for the rest of my life a while ago - I just can't concentrate. At all. It's not that I couldn't set my priorities, there were and are just so many other things I have to take care of. And now I've run out of time. Guess this will be the first failed exam.
Ok, that sounds fucking desperate. But that's exactly what I am.
Plus the typical pre-exam clumsiness has set in. I keep on running into doorframes, spilling coffee over myself, hitting my head on whatever comes close enough, being so distracted that I forget why I call someone, walk to the bookshelf, or stand in the kitchen. Best example today: I threw away a pair of socks instead of putting them on.
For half an hour I've been sitting over this plot. There's apparently about 30 interesting things you could deduce from it, and I just can't get myself to figure out one.
I need the Tardis, or the Enterprise, or just like that: more time.
The last two weeks were horrible - spiked with nice intermezzos, but overall really not cool at all. I couldn't really study, eventough I'm very interested in the field - thought about doing that for the rest of my life a while ago - I just can't concentrate. At all. It's not that I couldn't set my priorities, there were and are just so many other things I have to take care of. And now I've run out of time. Guess this will be the first failed exam.
Ok, that sounds fucking desperate. But that's exactly what I am.
Plus the typical pre-exam clumsiness has set in. I keep on running into doorframes, spilling coffee over myself, hitting my head on whatever comes close enough, being so distracted that I forget why I call someone, walk to the bookshelf, or stand in the kitchen. Best example today: I threw away a pair of socks instead of putting them on.
For half an hour I've been sitting over this plot. There's apparently about 30 interesting things you could deduce from it, and I just can't get myself to figure out one.
I need the Tardis, or the Enterprise, or just like that: more time.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
happy f***ing new year!
So, NC, happy new year!! I had such a great night!! What did you do yesterday?
Hmmm. Let's see. What I'm doing (with my life)
- study
- notice that VeryImportantStuff I had sent the 21st (!!!) had still not arrived
- make phone calls
- panic
- get mail that stuff arrived
- be relieved
- study
- 0:00 drink last bit of wine left in fridge
- study
- got to bed at 9 am
- stood up 2 pm
- study
- get mails that AwesomeCrazyStuff needs some more immediate attention
- try not to panic
- get back to studying
- get mail that LittleLessImportantStuff next week is not going to work out as I thought
- be pissed off
- get back to studying
- notice that still pissed off
- panic because not able to concentrate
- study
- make tea, listen to very loud music on ipod to not wake anyone, and post
Yeah. Happy new year.
UPDATE
It's half past three and still I don't seem to be able to concentrate. I constantly have to think about the stuff I have to do after the exam, as in: learning for the other exams. And all that other crap. I need a secretary. ASAP.
Hmmm. Let's see. What I'm doing (with my life)
- study
- notice that VeryImportantStuff I had sent the 21st (!!!) had still not arrived
- make phone calls
- panic
- get mail that stuff arrived
- be relieved
- study
- 0:00 drink last bit of wine left in fridge
- study
- got to bed at 9 am
- stood up 2 pm
- study
- get mails that AwesomeCrazyStuff needs some more immediate attention
- try not to panic
- get back to studying
- get mail that LittleLessImportantStuff next week is not going to work out as I thought
- be pissed off
- get back to studying
- notice that still pissed off
- panic because not able to concentrate
- study
- make tea, listen to very loud music on ipod to not wake anyone, and post
Yeah. Happy new year.
UPDATE
It's half past three and still I don't seem to be able to concentrate. I constantly have to think about the stuff I have to do after the exam, as in: learning for the other exams. And all that other crap. I need a secretary. ASAP.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)