new perspectives

So, I kind of want to write about advising.
In general I'd say that you can give best advice on things you've experienced youself, but of course, there's more to that: more than just giving an opinion, but engaging in a matter and figuring out different solutions or at least ways of proceeding.

Today I had a 2 hour phonecall from someone who I don't really know that much. I have been told before that I give the impression to know what I'm doing and also being approachable and willing to help, but there's not too many people that would call me on this (maybe mainly because most of my surrounding tends to be male), except for some really close friends... So today I felt like an adviser of some kind.

The issue is probably some mixture of the Imposter Syndrome and having failed before which I can absolutely relate to (sadly enough). Some time ago after reading this post by sciencemama, I found some other things on the web, and decided for myself that I would stop this pathological mal-thinking. What really helped me in the end was that I discovered that I am not the only one. I still have these feelings but they're put in perspective, I finally feel like I belong - at least to my specific "scientific age group".

But back to topic - It took us quite a while to figure out what the real problem was, especially because this person mistrusts people in general and second guesses every word or action, and while discussing we figured out how that person could work on the issue in general in a hopefully less selfdestructive way.
Honestly, I never had that before concerning personal matters: The same feeling I sometimes have when discussing a scientific problem. It was not about finding a solution or 5, but more about understanding the matter itself - nail the problem.
I wouldn't go as far as one of my professors who used to say that nontriviality is always in the problem, that's a definition issue, I guess every mathematician and physicist would protest (since the most intuitive theorem often is the hardest to prove), but in PsychoCrapLand the solution is often in finding the underlying cause.


Uh, this is a really horrible post. Not very insightful - as I said before, I don't really like PsychoCrap, but whatever.

totally overwhelmed

So many decisions to be made, so much studying to do, so much sleep to catch up.
Can't someone just organize me an extra week?
At least funky music keeps me awake today/night/whatever.
Didn't I say I didn't want to complain? Yeah, I did.

Also, I'm constantly thinking about retaking this exam. I wasn't as well prepared as I wanted to be a couple of days before it, but then in the end I felt ok about the stuff. The first minutes went well until I became really nervous and couldn't answer the easiest questions (as in questions I could have answered even before taking the course). I'm still really embarrassed (even though I not "only" passed). Especially because I want to take part II. I don't really want extras like another exam, and I don't even have time for anything like that, I'm just scared that they'll start laughing when they see me again next semester. It's not that they didn't notice that I was nervous, they were even really nice about it...
Uh, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Also, one really nice professor of mine agreed to do something for me, but then apparently forgot for a couple of weeks. I was too scared to ask him again. In the end he noticed and did it, but how do I look in this? I just don't want to disturb professors more than I have to, but then they also might think I lack commitment...
And there's a couple of other things I'll have to take care of - just: everytime I stand in front of that office I turn around again and leave. And I was even asked to stop by! (right now learning a lot though nights is a good excuse, but then again: writing selfabsorbed bullshit like this isn't really productive...)

AGAIN: What the fuck is wrong with me?!?

So, I've decided to publish the following linklist. I'd put them on a blogroll, but as I said I'm scared of professors...
Still, these are some of the blogs I read. During semester when I do the lab teaching I love it, but sometimes they all give me the creeps

passed

- After total embarrassment over half an hour my professors let me pass and leave, I'm so relieved
- Usually a couple of days before the exam I get this feeling, everything totally makes sense and I also feel where details belong in that bigger picture. This time I only felt that the morning of the same day. Bad for sleep, and it also doesn't really help with my exam issues. So, apparantly I was not that unprepared after all, but I hope this is better next time.
- some people failed. Everytime I hear someone's failed, I get totally scared and feel like an impostor.
- I'm really exhausted, still. And I have to work on AwesomeCrazyStuff, and study for the other exams. But at least it's labweek, yay! I know this sounds weird because most people hate it, but I just can't live without some real stuff from time to time.
- Still didn't take a course on proper female behaviour, just have no time. Does anyone know any online resources?

NC's Christmas Tale

24th - What a wonderful day.
Yeah.
The morning didn't even start that bad. I drove to my mum's office, since she had to work, we had breakfast, and then I was kept from reading ExperimentalSubject-Book by one of her coworkers who filled me in to the newest exciting stuff that's going on - it was hilarious!
Also, the coffee was really good so I drove us all the way to CrazyFamily. I like CrazyFamily, I also like the attachments to CrazyFamily - what I don't like is CrazySuburbia where they live.
CrazySuburbia has a lot of nice inhabitants but there's also the AnnoyingFamily.
One member of the AnnoyingFamily was once my flatmate when he worked in my city, and he was pretty easy going and cool, I just never saw much of him. The rest of his family has some really annoying dynamics going on, I wouldn't care too much about that if not - one sunny day - I was made the newest f***ing suburbia-crap-talk-about. So, here comes a little story:

One sunny day during exam preparation NC sits at her kitchen table when all of a sudden her phone rings. NC of course is delighted to hear from AnnoyingYoungerBrother who is just studying for his finals and figures it would be nice to know what this one professor of his would ask.
Since that professor was once here in my city, AnnoyingYoungerBrother goes: Oh, NC! You know so many people (he must have forgotten that I'm a physicist), I'm sure you could organize some protocols that were written by that professor's former students (if time allows), I need them in two weeks (latest)!
NC: -
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: You know, this is really important!
NC: I see...
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: I'm sure you'll manage. Bye!
NC: -
Phone: beeep.
Of course, NC can spend some time finding out that there's even two Student Organizations for this ReallyExtremelyFarFromMine-Field - light years further than ReallyCoolFarFromMine-Field - and NC can still see no plausible explanation for that. These two organizations don't answer NC's emails, so one rainy day NC decides to go visit them in person. Both tell NC that there's no such thing as protocols for this specific subfield of ReallyExtremelyFarFromMine-Field after searching through their folders for each at least 15 min.
Disappointed NC calls AnnoyingYoungerBrother.
NC: Hi, AnnoyingYoungerBrother, this is NC. I'm really sorry, but I have to bring bad -
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: Oh, no, you forgot? I told you this was urgent!
NC: No, no, I didn't forget, these protocols just don't exist.
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: Oh come on, I know that there's this OfficialPerson who has them. I'm just in DifferentCountry and can't get them.
NC: Oh, I'll see what I can do then.
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: Bye!
NC: B..
Phone: beeep.
The next day NC wants to know more about OfficialPerson and after some research she finds out that OfficialPerson is in no way related to NC'sUniversity, but that NC'sParlament has elected OfficialPerson to be the highest jurisdiction on recourses and such, so has all the official protocols of very final Finals. NC is smart enough to figure out all by herself that these are not thought to be a learning aid for prospective ReallyExtremelyFarFromMine-FieldProfessionals and just when she wants to call AnnoyingYoungerBrother her phone rings.
NC's mum: Uh, NC, honey! I just got a weird call from CrazyFamilyMember. OtherCrazyFamilyMember told CrazyFamilyMember that MotherOfAnnoyingYoungerBrother heard from AnnoyingYoungerBrother that you're not willing to help him with some F***StupidStuff that I didn't understand because I was distracted because she actually made someone get me out of ReallyImportantMeeting.
NC: Oh, no, mommy, I'm sorry. There's just no legal way I could help AnnoyingYoungerBrother.
NC's mum: AnnoyingFamily is really annoying.
NC: Yeah, mommy, I'm really sorry that interfered with your job. I'll handle it.
NC's mum: Ok dear. Gotta go back to work.
NC: Bye.
(I put the last two lines in to also let you read about the nice part of my tale)
NC punches phone number into phone,
Phone: Ringring
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: Hi, NC. Did you get them?
NC: Are you sure you meant OfficialPerson, because OfficialPerson does only ReallyOfficialStuff, and the two student organizations really have nothing for your subfield.
AnnoyingYoungerBrother: Oh, just go to OfficialPerson (AnnoyingYoungerBrother clearly didn't understand what NC said).
NC: But...
Phone: beeep.
So in the end NC actually calls OfficialPerson'sSecretary and is offered a major smackdown for free. Major. As in how-f***ing-stupid-are-you-?-smackdown-major and decides to leave it at that before going to jail.
NC tries to call AnnoyingYoungerBrother but he doesn't respond, so she writes an sms and never gets an answer.

End of story?

Well, not really. Today CrazyFamilyMember told me she heard from MotherOfAnnoyingYoungerBrother, that he had said that I either didn't want to help him or that I hadn't understood what he wanted because I was distracted playing on my computer. Yeah, I can remember that I wrote down that professor's name and the subfield and that I tried to google both. Really didn't know that doing REALLY-UNTHANKFUL-ANNOYING-BRAT's research is now considered computer gaming.
CrazyFamilyMembers also filled me in today that AnnoyingFamily is coming for lunch tomorrow.
Eeeek!

GoodOldFamilyFriends were here for dinner. One part of them is going to die of cancer. We had great food and great conversation and almost totally forgot about that, but now I feel totally fucked up. At least we didn't have the usual shitty family drama - but still: Christmas sucks.
It's now AnnoyingFamily'sArrival minus ten minutes.

UPDATE:
It's now Wednesday.
Yesterday I managed to bite my tongue and smalltalked with the less annoying members of AnnoyingFamily. The rest of the day I spent studying (don't pity me, that's how I evaded newest CrazySuburbia gossip).
Yesterday evening CrazyCousin's Girlfriend's Aunt collapsed. She is braindead and right now undergoing harvesting surgery.
Christmas sucks.

oh, well...

The week is over.
I've talked to the labsupervisor about the monday issue (I didn't mention the PDA though), he laughed and was really friendly asking about my future plans. And I had two more labs with really great students! I loved it although this week it took up alot of my time - it's going to be better the rest of semester.
It was really good talking to a senior person about my plans - it was more like chatting - and I'd like to know his opinion on all this and talk to him some more. Just have to find the right moment. I'm don't really want to make a formal appointment, the institute is very familiar so we're more used to walking in somewhere and say hi, but I think he's very buisy and to be honest I'm sometimes scared that I desperately want some kind of advisor or mentor because my dad's being such a jerk, and I always think I should be old enough to handle stuff alone. My mom is really awesome, but she's a professional in every sense, she's not in academia, and when she was a student I'm pretty sure she always knew what she was doing. A lot of people around me think I'm a tough girl or something but as soon as they talk to me my insecurities become pretty obvious.
I've read alot in the Female Science Professor's blog recently. I'm so glad I found it! She writes about many things I think not only female scientists should be interested in. Not only that I feel less alone in these genderissues, it also helps selfreflecting. Usually I react to sexist comments with laughing or making even worse jokes like - yeah, actually I'm really just here to find myself a husband! That doesn't help, I guess. One of my peers sometimes joked about what I wear and that I had much more opportunities than him to meet potential partners until one day I got really upset about it - he apologized and never did it again, but I have this nagging feeling sometimes that this was not just fun and that at least he said what he tought while others might not do so.
Still the comment that hurt me most in all my life was that I had only passed electrodynamics because I wore a skirt. I shouldn't have to defend myself on this but here comes: It was a very hot day in summer, the skirt went over my knees, I didn't wear heels and no low neckline. I became very nervous after the professor said something like I should stop explaining stuff because that's what formulas were for and it went really badly. I couln't say a word after that and wrote total bullshit on this dammed blackboard. His office was small so I was stuck between his desk and the wall and I remember thinking he might stab me in the back or break my neck from behind. I've had these exam issues for ever and it gets better but this was one of the worst days I've ever had and mentioned comment...
I'm insecure enough without stuff like that. I just want to do physics until someone figures out how incapable I really am and kicks me out. I even tell people in the face! I know I shouldn't mix up my own insecurity with sexist comments from absolute jerks but they sort of kling together.

uh... I have these really weird friday-flashbacks where I start to shudder and feel back there again. I've always had that after exams or when I used to paraglide after flights with awkward situations. But when I fly or during exams that go well, time just flys by eventhough I'm nervous. Now I have the feeling that things start going wrong when I suddenly realize where I am and what I'm doing. I had this moment of consciousness during my talk - it was not in an insecure moment or anything, all of a sudden in midsentence I was looking at my slide's projection on the wall and thought a mixture of the following:
- oh my, what the hell am I doing here
- this is actually really cute physics
- there's an awful lot of people sitting here (there were actually just 30 or so)
- when I've finished this thought will I be nervous and screw up?
- ...
- what was I going to say???
Immediately after this I was nervous and screwed up. Well, not totally - but this must have been the moment my professor talked about, because afterwards I got myself together again and the rest went ok.
So, the next time I'm still capable of making the decision I'll cut off those weird thoughts and just go ahead. I feel that I had thought about this before, maybe that's exactly the thing that ruins about half of my exams - sometimes I think I just get myself out of it somehow or this stuff doesn't even start because I'm in the flow from the beginning on.
Friday didn't go really bad or anything, only when I made the most important (to me) point I probably didn't look too confident.
hmmm. Can someone please come and fish the whatifs out of my head???

me up and running again.

I've slept for almost 12 hours, already went grocery shopping, bought funny woolen gloves without fingers but a cap you can pull over them, then I went for lunch with FunnyMicrobiologist (at 3 pm), and just come home. FunnyMicrobiologist is awesome and really smart. She's just started in this lab where they do these really groundbreaking things and they don't even have time to follow up all the interesting stuff they trip over. I don't know if that's normal in her field or not, but it sounds absolutely exciting.
It started snowing tonight, nothing's white yet, but it's getting cooler everyday. And it's dark early. It's pitch black outside! I really appreciate that we're trying to keep the light pollution down and I've got pretty good night vision, but if I can't do my 5min way home in less than 20 minutes while my tears freeze on my face because I can't see my feet or the ground (my cell's battery was down), that's just too much. I protest! If there was snow we could at least see a little.

My presentation was ok, but I was asked a question I couldn't answer. That itself is not my problem, and I don't think it affected my inexistent credibility too much, only - it was exactly the kind of question I would ask myself first. I'm still pretty upset about that... I'm not too happy with what one of my professors said, though. I hate to think that I can't take criticism. I just have totally different things I didn't like. One thing he said was that I should have had more slides for some of the concepts - well: I had 60 slides when I started. Since the professors that hold the seminar told us to not have more than 15 slides I reduced mine to 21 with 6 of those being the fast intro and goodbye slides. And I had a really hard time doing that. Next time I'll just do what I think is best - wow, would have thought that I was old enough to know that by now...
And then he said I was too nervous (ok, you really can't hear HOW he said it). I really don't know how to react to that, so here come a few options:
Sarcastic: oh really? I didn't notice. But thank you for pointing it out in such a nice way.
Realistic: I didn't know that my evaluation is based on my hormonal state.
Me: How the **** can I not be nervous with 10 professors sitting in front of me when I'm not even able to keep it together when I'm only talking to only one?

I know this sounds like I was another precious little snowflake but I actually wanted comments on my physics and not on the infrared spectrum emitted by my face, thanks.
Again, I hate to think that I can't take criticism, and I'm being childish and a snowflake - I'm just a little frustrated.
gotta grow up, right?

so, while in bad mood already, why not make some ridiculous confessions.
some time ago i met this guy and it turned out i really liked him. too bad that i was in this weird emotionless state - when a lot of stuff happens i just run on some kind of default - not getting too attached to things... well, not that he was much better, but that's the guys vs. girls thing right? one day i'll take a course on proper female behaviour, promise to self.
So WHY the **** can't I just be my usual self and get over it? it's months later and all of a sudden i've become all mushy.
see, HOW PATHETIC AM I??
ok, now i feel totally stupid, this should really help getting me normal again.
back to work.

I have been reading through the Angry Professor's Blog the last couple of days and right now I'm really scared. I try to behave just normal (doesn't work too well) around professors and if I don't manage I just avoid them or I drink which helps alot until I'm sober again. After reading the other blog ... There's no way I can do this or anything else right. I still have this one (MyFavouriteSubject) professor's book at home (it seems to keep getting longer), I just told him that I think he was intimidating (it was a very funny evening) and now I can't give back his book because I never want to disturb any professor anymore forever (hope there was enough bad grammar and adverbs to emphasize).....

Wow, reading that professors do know when people are not attending class - maybe I should have told everyone about the workshop and VeryBigAccelerator. Really, I always thought noone cared. But then again I would have bothered everyone saying that, and I myself would feel weird going around telling...
How can anyone work out how to do that kind of stuff. I'm a physicist. I hate psycho crap!