Friday, November 30, 2007


Wow, today I gave the last labcourse. Ever. At least for now.
Great group, I couldn't help to buy them all coffee. They were awesome.
Still, I won't miss it.
gotta go to a math party.

Thursday, November 29, 2007


looks funny but sucks.
and what does it have to do with vortices?
ok, that's still clearer to me than why it's got a volume energy term and why exactly this should be dependent on an external force when I can't even see what this energy is supposed to be doing...
oh, well it sounds reasonable but it's just waaaay tooooo hiiiiiiigh for me.

maybe it doesn't suck but I've answered most of the question and now feel braindead. I wanted to write this without consonants to emphasize, but noone could have read it. So now you'll just have to imagine that my brain's actually dead but that my fingers still know how to write. Makes sense, eh?
It's 1:40. Gotta sleep

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

always the same...

... but different everytime.

3 days ago: some guy in a conversation with me starts playing with my wallet -
some guy: can I look what's inside
me (can't really deny and be unfriendly): umm... (pause)... sure.
some guy nestles around obviously trying to find something personal
me: you won't find anything interesting, there's just money in there.
some guy tries even harder
me: --
some guy finally gives up and says: wow, you're not a real girl, real girls carry pictures and little notes and stuff like that.
me: -- ?
some guy: honestly, you can't be a real girl.
me: well I know I'm a girl, right now I'm even wearing a skirt!
some guy looks at my front: ... yeah ok, the skirt makes you a girl.


yesterday: some other guy in a conversation with me starts playing with my wallet, fumbling around for half an hour not opening it but clearly curious. I can't pretend not to notice any longer
me: oh... go ahead, look inside you won't find anything interesting there's just money in there.
some other guy opens it and looks inside
me: yeah, I know, I'm not a typical girl, no pictures, no notes, but I wear a skirt, see.
some other guy: no typical person would wear a skirt with this weather!

end of story

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

I've answered a question!!!
Must be the coffee!

Monday, November 26, 2007

thoughts on chocolate

I don't like chocolate. That might not seem to be a very deep statement or a very personal thing to say, but funnily enough it will multiply your chances to know who I am by millions, though I probably won't tell people anymore for the following reason:
They tend to get offended.
Mostly I get offered chocolate by people that are eating chocolate themselves. I usually politely reject saying that I don't like chocolate too much which seems to be the worst answer of all! Not only do I refuse to help them not to consume too many calories, I also don't worship the donation of some people's favourite thing on earth so it seems.
I'm just home from a long day of fruitless attempts on RCFFMF and RCT exercises, turned on my absolutely gorgeous coffee mashine to get ready for more BeingTooDense, when my flatmate started to pity me and presented me with some chocolate. It was a really cute thing to do - which I told her - but still she seemed a little taken aback when I thankfully rejected. I do understand that people want their presents to be appreciated in every way BUT I REALLY THINK IT'S YUCKY!!! GIMME STAKE!!!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

wow, you have to go to the third google page to find me under my real name.
I'd love to have some coffee right now, but there's just wine left...
Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster,
I don't know what to do! I'm surrounded by people that don't believe in evolution. Gotta get out of here! Please help people understand that it's just your noodely extensions!

btw. I don't believe in you, but that shouldn't make any difference, right?

Your's faitfully

Saturday, November 24, 2007


- I drive too fast. Seriously.
- ReallyCoolFarFromMyField class turns out to be more work than I thought
- Friday I missed the one seminar talk I was most interested in,
- had a student in the lab who didn't know how to turn on a computer (push the big round and LABELED button in the front),
- had great breakfast and conversation at CoolParticleTheoryGirl's place, because
- we had a party on Thursday night, where I
- put too much gin in one of my professors' drink, but at least I
- didn't totally ruin everything with the other professor
- and met really great people!!!
- Right now I'm in a DifferentCountry at MyMum'sBestFriend's place and should do some work. There's a great coffee machine here and the sun is shining and I'm really tempted to just sit outside and do nothing for a while instead of NotWorkingButBlogging inside.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

being... me

The longer I do physics, the more I recognize myself in stupid clich├ęs. At least I try to dress nicely, I wear skirts and heels and mascara, I shower everyday, and I try not to be too buddylike to guys that are not my peers. I've always liked science fiction, though, and I have to admit that I still play d&d twice a year when I meet my old friends, I love techy gadgets and I still read comics - I just don't buy them anymore.
I guess I have been geekier when I was younger but there's new symtoms: confusion, paranoia and neuroses.
I thought my mum's birthday was tomorrow but then I realized yesterday that Wednesday was not the 24th. When people look at me I usually think I either bleed somewhere in my face, or I have some kind of stains on my clothes, or that I have birdshit on my hair. I need to know that my kitchen is absolutely clean to sleep.

Pathetic little me.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

a story

I'm trying to follow a derviation of some equation while drinking some wine (not coffee) and the following comes to my mind:
When I was working at the VBA some weeks ago I lived in a really nice hotel with conference rooms and such in the middle of nowhere. Since all the people from my university were there - at the university - or at some meeting or buisy otherwise and I didn't go by car, I went to the Hotel around 9 pm and had dinner there alone almost every night. How awfully pathetic.
One night I was chatted up by two guys. A doctor (MD) and a pilot. It was really nice not to be alone - after being practically alone in the office the whole day - and they talked alot about themselves until they asked me what I was doing. I told them I studied physics and was there to work at the VBA - the first one left to get another drink and chat to some other person at the bar. The one that was left asked me what exactly I was doing there and I answered with one sentence, trying not to be too geeky - he left with a lame excuse.
end of story

Saturday, November 17, 2007

oh, well...

The week is over.
I've talked to the labsupervisor about the monday issue (I didn't mention the PDA though), he laughed and was really friendly asking about my future plans. And I had two more labs with really great students! I loved it although this week it took up alot of my time - it's going to be better the rest of semester.
It was really good talking to a senior person about my plans - it was more like chatting - and I'd like to know his opinion on all this and talk to him some more. Just have to find the right moment. I'm don't really want to make a formal appointment, the institute is very familiar so we're more used to walking in somewhere and say hi, but I think he's very buisy and to be honest I'm sometimes scared that I desperately want some kind of advisor or mentor because my dad's being such a jerk, and I always think I should be old enough to handle stuff alone. My mom is really awesome, but she's a professional in every sense, she's not in academia, and when she was a student I'm pretty sure she always knew what she was doing. A lot of people around me think I'm a tough girl or something but as soon as they talk to me my insecurities become pretty obvious.
I've read alot in the Female Science Professor's blog recently. I'm so glad I found it! She writes about many things I think not only female scientists should be interested in. Not only that I feel less alone in these genderissues, it also helps selfreflecting. Usually I react to sexist comments with laughing or making even worse jokes like - yeah, actually I'm really just here to find myself a husband! That doesn't help, I guess. One of my peers sometimes joked about what I wear and that I had much more opportunities than him to meet potential partners until one day I got really upset about it - he apologized and never did it again, but I have this nagging feeling sometimes that this was not just fun and that at least he said what he tought while others might not do so.
Still the comment that hurt me most in all my life was that I had only passed electrodynamics because I wore a skirt. I shouldn't have to defend myself on this but here comes: It was a very hot day in summer, the skirt went over my knees, I didn't wear heels and no low neckline. I became very nervous after the professor said something like I should stop explaining stuff because that's what formulas were for and it went really badly. I couln't say a word after that and wrote total bullshit on this dammed blackboard. His office was small so I was stuck between his desk and the wall and I remember thinking he might stab me in the back or break my neck from behind. I've had these exam issues for ever and it gets better but this was one of the worst days I've ever had and mentioned comment...
I'm insecure enough without stuff like that. I just want to do physics until someone figures out how incapable I really am and kicks me out. I even tell people in the face! I know I shouldn't mix up my own insecurity with sexist comments from absolute jerks but they sort of kling together.

Monday, November 12, 2007

special treatment? after all your PDA???

AARRRRRRRRR! I'm just too nice. Just hope that this is not getting me into too much trouble.

It's about 12 hours later. I had no normal sleeping intervals since 1.5 weeks.
This couple in my labcourse today - honestly, it left me kind of speechless.
In the end I made the biggest mistake. I gave in. I've reorganized their schedule without having the authority to do so just to get rid of them. Seriously: This cannot happen again!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

You Are a Double Espresso

Hey Energizer Bunny Girl! Do you ever slow down?

You're a mix of high energy and ambition, perfectly matched with strong espresso

When you want something you get it - by any means possible

You're driven, determined, and no nonsense. Which is just how you like your java.

good to know!
uh... I have these really weird friday-flashbacks where I start to shudder and feel back there again. I've always had that after exams or when I used to paraglide after flights with awkward situations. But when I fly or during exams that go well, time just flys by eventhough I'm nervous. Now I have the feeling that things start going wrong when I suddenly realize where I am and what I'm doing. I had this moment of consciousness during my talk - it was not in an insecure moment or anything, all of a sudden in midsentence I was looking at my slide's projection on the wall and thought a mixture of the following:
- oh my, what the hell am I doing here
- this is actually really cute physics
- there's an awful lot of people sitting here (there were actually just 30 or so)
- when I've finished this thought will I be nervous and screw up?
- ...
- what was I going to say???
Immediately after this I was nervous and screwed up. Well, not totally - but this must have been the moment my professor talked about, because afterwards I got myself together again and the rest went ok.
So, the next time I'm still capable of making the decision I'll cut off those weird thoughts and just go ahead. I feel that I had thought about this before, maybe that's exactly the thing that ruins about half of my exams - sometimes I think I just get myself out of it somehow or this stuff doesn't even start because I'm in the flow from the beginning on.
Friday didn't go really bad or anything, only when I made the most important (to me) point I probably didn't look too confident.
hmmm. Can someone please come and fish the whatifs out of my head???

Saturday, November 10, 2007

me up and running again.

I've slept for almost 12 hours, already went grocery shopping, bought funny woolen gloves without fingers but a cap you can pull over them, then I went for lunch with FunnyMicrobiologist (at 3 pm), and just come home. FunnyMicrobiologist is awesome and really smart. She's just started in this lab where they do these really groundbreaking things and they don't even have time to follow up all the interesting stuff they trip over. I don't know if that's normal in her field or not, but it sounds absolutely exciting.
It started snowing tonight, nothing's white yet, but it's getting cooler everyday. And it's dark early. It's pitch black outside! I really appreciate that we're trying to keep the light pollution down and I've got pretty good night vision, but if I can't do my 5min way home in less than 20 minutes while my tears freeze on my face because I can't see my feet or the ground (my cell's battery was down), that's just too much. I protest! If there was snow we could at least see a little.

My presentation was ok, but I was asked a question I couldn't answer. That itself is not my problem, and I don't think it affected my inexistent credibility too much, only - it was exactly the kind of question I would ask myself first. I'm still pretty upset about that... I'm not too happy with what one of my professors said, though. I hate to think that I can't take criticism. I just have totally different things I didn't like. One thing he said was that I should have had more slides for some of the concepts - well: I had 60 slides when I started. Since the professors that hold the seminar told us to not have more than 15 slides I reduced mine to 21 with 6 of those being the fast intro and goodbye slides. And I had a really hard time doing that. Next time I'll just do what I think is best - wow, would have thought that I was old enough to know that by now...
And then he said I was too nervous (ok, you really can't hear HOW he said it). I really don't know how to react to that, so here come a few options:
Sarcastic: oh really? I didn't notice. But thank you for pointing it out in such a nice way.
Realistic: I didn't know that my evaluation is based on my hormonal state.
Me: How the **** can I not be nervous with 10 professors sitting in front of me when I'm not even able to keep it together when I'm only talking to only one?

I know this sounds like I was another precious little snowflake but I actually wanted comments on my physics and not on the infrared spectrum emitted by my face, thanks.
Again, I hate to think that I can't take criticism, and I'm being childish and a snowflake - I'm just a little frustrated.
gotta grow up, right?

Friday, November 09, 2007

over. done. sleep
t - a bit. i don't really feel good about this.
t -10.
need to sleep.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

t -17 hours: this sucks!
t -19 hours: still the same. had some coffee, though.
i'm slightly scared, tired, exhausted and waiting for the next batch of adrenaline and endorphines to kick in - i'm sitting at some meeting and desperately want to leave and finish my presentation.
please, let me leave!!!
relieved. enough coffee, only 4 slides to finish.
it's t -21 hours
t -23 hours. one coffee one new slide
it's t -25 hours.
coffee is truly important to outcome of presentation.
right now i'm seriously considering to insert a selfmade crayon drawing.
it's t - 29 hours.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

wow, i've just made a 3-paper sheets long diagram. how am i ever going to fit this on one slide???

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

much ado about nothing!
things don't look too bad after all. so all this bad mood, disappointment and not concentrating on my presentation: all for nothing!!
i'd really love to bang my head against the wall right now. just too many people watching.
i feel stupid and friday is giving me the creeps.

Monday, November 05, 2007

so, while in bad mood already, why not make some ridiculous confessions.
some time ago i met this guy and it turned out i really liked him. too bad that i was in this weird emotionless state - when a lot of stuff happens i just run on some kind of default - not getting too attached to things... well, not that he was much better, but that's the guys vs. girls thing right? one day i'll take a course on proper female behaviour, promise to self.
So WHY the **** can't I just be my usual self and get over it? it's months later and all of a sudden i've become all mushy.
ok, now i feel totally stupid, this should really help getting me normal again.
back to work.
news: awesome crazy stuff is not going to happen. exactly what i feared most happened. well maybe i'm still gonna do it it's just going to take a little longer. well. first have to get through the disappointment. and finish my presentation.
hmmmm. more coffee or more tea?
mmmm. coffee with crema!
just came to my mind: i got so scared after reading the angry professor's blog and RateYourStudents, but actually i've done my own rambling here as well. hope i didn't scare anyone... but see, i had another of these LikeTheRedHairedGuyInER. I might translate and repost that - for the sake of procrastination :)
... trying to finish a presentation but it feels like i've only just begun. too much other stuff I'd like and have to concentrate on right now. doesn't really help.
at least i've got a yankee candle here, good music and great coffee! i so love my new coffee mashine! i feel she deserves a name. something like a B&B landlady's name. any ideas?

at least i've stopped obsessing about the stuff i read in other blogs. i'm still freaked when talking to professors but things here just work differently. i knew that before but well - i tend to overreact.

the typical semester feeling is back. the ohoh-i-don't-understand-a-thing-no-time-to-keep-up feeling that only goes away a day before exams - or maybe a couple of days - when you finally get a grip on things. then semester starts again and it's the same thing all over. we talk about not letting it get to us anymore but it's hard everytime, eventhough i feel i'm used to it now in some weird way - never enough time. presentation due friday, homework for ReallyCoolFarFromMyField class due tuesday, prepare tutoring due tomorrow, finish preparing medstudents labcourses due also friday, finish homework for ReallyCoolTheory class due tuesday, do homework for LittleLessCoolTheory class - although I like the assignments - due thursday, do homework for Experimental class due -can you guess?- friday. cut the presentation and you get my usual week's schedule. and also the AwesomeCrazyStuff that happened - that has taken up a lot more time that thought and it'll need even more... i can't really talk about it yet - well i did but the amount of people knowing about it was not intended. i'm just so scared about it not working out and then being disappointed...

i love my life. i'd love it slightly more if days had 48 hours.